Any good jokes ... ?

[tyred]

When my wife walked out, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then, I bought a dog, a new motorbike, made mad passionate love to two women and blown a grand on drink and drugs.

She's going to go mental when she gets home from work.

 

[Kestevan]

Monkhouse did that very well, but he learned it off Hughie Green. "And I mean that most sincerely, folks!"

Sincerety..... Learn to fake that and you've got it made.

 

[RichardB]

I love this one from Fred Allen:

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

 

[Smokin Joe]

We'll all soon be able to sleep soundly in our beds, knowing that Donald Trump has the codes to the nuclear button in his pocket.

 

[RichardB]

We'll all soon be able to sleep soundly in our beds, knowing that Donald Trump has the codes to the nuclear button in his pocket.

This is a jokes thread. That isn't funny at all.

 

[wheresthetorch]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

 

[Hover Fly]

NHS Direct, how can I help?"

"Yes, hi. What do I do with these suppository?"

"Take it out of the box, get some lubricant and push it up your ar*e."

"Alright alright. I just needed a bit of advice, keep your hair on you moody cow !"

True Story,
Many years ago I took my itchy bum off to the doc, without even so much as looking at it he scribbled out a prescription for Anusol and gave me it.
I asked, "What do I do with this?" Doc. started explaining about taking the silver paper off and...
"No," I said, "I've never had a prescription, Do I just take it to Boots?"

 

[Cubist]

Sincerety..... Learn to fake that and you've got it made.

One of my straplines at work when delivering g the party line to the often cynical masses was "I'm always sincere, whether I mean it or not."

 

[Cubist]

@Hitchington you'll be pleased to hear you have posted a post too big to like. Either that or papal censorship has kicked in.

 

[benb]

I love this one from Fred Allen:

Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana

 

[machew]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

So I was in Ireland recently and I went into this bar... The beer was flat, they had just stopped serving food and everybody in there ignored me... Turns out it was one of those English theme pubs...

 

[Arjimlad]

So I was in Ireland recently and I went into this bar... The beer was flat, they had just stopped serving food and everybody in there ignored me... Turns out it was one of those English theme pubs...

Lol... just like the pub at the end of the Tasty Cheddar Audax --- they knew that a hundred or more cyclist would be finishing a 100km ride at their establishment yet took gleeful delight in telling me & pals at 2pm that the kitchen had closed for the afternoon. On a weekend.

 

[glenn forger]

A computer once beat me at chess. Mind you, it was no match for me at kickboxing.