Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'
machew
Veteran
This is Warren. Warren turned 50 today but will be celebrating his special day in an American jail as he was wrongly accused of being a terrorist.
When asked what he was doing in America by a police officer, Warren said; "I'm a tourist". Unfortunately for Warren, he suffers from a Birmingham accent and tourist came out sounding like terrorist to the American police officer.
At each court appearance his repeated pleas of "I'm just a tourist" dig him deeper into trouble as each judge fails to understand his vocal disability.
It's not Warren's fault he talks the way he does but like other sufferers, he is persecuted daily.
We pray that one day he will get justice. Please share this post and help
When asked what he was doing in America by a police officer, Warren said; "I'm a tourist". Unfortunately for Warren, he suffers from a Birmingham accent and tourist came out sounding like terrorist to the American police officer.
At each court appearance his repeated pleas of "I'm just a tourist" dig him deeper into trouble as each judge fails to understand his vocal disability.
It's not Warren's fault he talks the way he does but like other sufferers, he is persecuted daily.
We pray that one day he will get justice. Please share this post and help
Gasman
Old enough to know better, too old to care!
- Location
- Third Rock From The Sun
Just after WWII, a young man from Glasgow emigrated to the States to seek his fortune. Stepping off the boat, he saw a small stall set up on the dockside. A sign outside said "Chief Flying Eagle, The Memory Man. All Questions Answered. 10 cents." The young man went in for a laugh and asked,
"When did Partick Thistle last win the Scottish Cup?"
The Chief looked up, thought for a moment and answered,
"1921. Beat Rangers 1-0."
"Very good", said our man, paid his 10 cents and off he went. 20 years later having made his fortune he was heading back to Glasgow to visit his family. Among the airport shops he found a large office with a flashing neon sign outside saying, "Chief Flying Eagle, The Memory Man. All Questions Answered. $5" so he popped in to pay his respects to the Chief who was sitting behind a large desk.
"How, Chief!" he said.
"Header in 69th minute!" said the Chief
"When did Partick Thistle last win the Scottish Cup?"
The Chief looked up, thought for a moment and answered,
"1921. Beat Rangers 1-0."
"Very good", said our man, paid his 10 cents and off he went. 20 years later having made his fortune he was heading back to Glasgow to visit his family. Among the airport shops he found a large office with a flashing neon sign outside saying, "Chief Flying Eagle, The Memory Man. All Questions Answered. $5" so he popped in to pay his respects to the Chief who was sitting behind a large desk.
"How, Chief!" he said.
"Header in 69th minute!" said the Chief
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
An elderly man in Northern Mississippi had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back fixed up nice: picnic tables, sun beds and some apple and peach trees. The pond was landscaped and fixed up for swimming...
One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man thought for a short while and said, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond,” and holding the bucket up, he continued, “I’m just here to feed my alligator.”
One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man thought for a short while and said, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond,” and holding the bucket up, he continued, “I’m just here to feed my alligator.”
Last edited:
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
Gasman
Old enough to know better, too old to care!
- Location
- Third Rock From The Sun
Another Native American Chief had 3 wives (Mormon missionaries had got to him before anyone objects). He gave them each a teepee and told them they could have any animal skin they wanted to cover the floor. The first wife asked for buffalo hide. The Chief went to the great plain, hunted down a fine buffalo, skinned it and took the skin back to his wife. He made love to her on the buffalo hide floor, she conceived and bore him a son.
The second wife wanted caribou hide for her teepee. The Chief mounted his horse and rode to the far North where, after many days, he tracked down a mighty caribou, killed it after a long and valiant struggle, skinned it and rode home to his second wife. He made love to her on the caribou hide and she also conceived and bore him a son.
The third wife wanted hippopotamus hide for her teepee. The Chief was much dismayed by this request but as his third wife was his favourite he set off again. After a highly improbable canoe journey or some seriously raised eyebrows at the local trading post (depending on which version of this story you believe) the Chief returned with the hippo hide. Again, he made love to his wife on the new hide floor. She conceived and bore him twin sons. All of which goes to show......
The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to sum of the squaws on the other two hides!!
My coat? How kind!
The second wife wanted caribou hide for her teepee. The Chief mounted his horse and rode to the far North where, after many days, he tracked down a mighty caribou, killed it after a long and valiant struggle, skinned it and rode home to his second wife. He made love to her on the caribou hide and she also conceived and bore him a son.
The third wife wanted hippopotamus hide for her teepee. The Chief was much dismayed by this request but as his third wife was his favourite he set off again. After a highly improbable canoe journey or some seriously raised eyebrows at the local trading post (depending on which version of this story you believe) the Chief returned with the hippo hide. Again, he made love to his wife on the new hide floor. She conceived and bore him twin sons. All of which goes to show......
The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to sum of the squaws on the other two hides!!
My coat? How kind!
Ron-da-Valli
It's a bleedin' miracle!
- Location
- Rorke's Drift
Don't forget the smarmy look and insincerity.
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
WANTED:
One experienced television host for popular charity telethon.
Must like children.
(But not too much.)
One experienced television host for popular charity telethon.
Must like children.
(But not too much.)
Profpointy
Legendary Member
Don't think much of these suppositaries I've been given. For all the good they've done I might as well have shoved them up my arse
ayceejay
Guru
- Location
- Rural Quebec
That's the short version. The doctor told the patient to put the suppository in his back passage. Well he tried the back passage and the front hall the sitting room and the dinning room......then your line.
Profpointy
Legendary Member
ah yes, rather spoilt that one
RichardB
Slightly retro
- Location
- West Wales
Monkhouse did that very well, but he learned it off Hughie Green. "And I mean that most sincerely, folks!"
