Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
I was given LSD and MDMA tonight.
Terrible way to start a game of Scrabble...
Terrible way to start a game of Scrabble...
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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In 1975 a decrepit old French bachelor farmer went to his village church and asked his parish priest to hear his confession. The priest agreed and told him to go ahead.
The old farmer says, "Bless me, Father, it is thirty three years since my last confession...." Interrupting him, the priest said in very severe tones, "Thirty three years!!! Why, what has caused you to leave it so long, my son? I hope you have a very good reason?"
The old farmer took a deep breath and continued, "Well, Father, in 1942, during World War Two, I was milking the few cows I still had at my farm one day when a gorgeous young woman appeared in front of me like a vision from Heaven. She was absolutely terrified, Father, completely out of breath, said she was in the Resistance, and she promised my anything I wanted if I would only hide her from the Nazis who were hunting for her. So I agreed and locked her in the secret compartment in my hay loft. I was the only one who knew of its existence."
"But, my son, that is most commendable of you. There's no need to confess to such an act of patriotic kindness, though?" Says the priest.
The old farmer then blurts out, "Oh but there is, Father! You see, she was so irresistibly attractive, that not only did I agree to hide her in my hay loft's secret compartment, but I gave into my lustful thoughts about her, and decided to take her up on her offer by demanding regular sexual favours from her for shielding her from the Nazi scum! May God and France forgive me! I am so ashamed, Father! That is why it has been thirty-three long years since my last confession! I could not allow myself to go to my grave with such a heinous crime on my conscience!!"
"But", Replies the priest, "It is a medal you deserve, not shame or punishment! Our Lord, in His kindness and understanding, will indeed forgive you, my son. I have no doubt that the young lady herself would have agreed that God in His Heaven would have conferred His forgiveness on you for saving her from the Nazi hordes, and that surrendering the pleasures of her body to you was but a tiny token on her behalf for your brave and selfless service to France! So, go now, and let your conscience trouble you no more. I absolve you from all sin."
The old farmer starts to leave the confessional, but then hesitates and says, "Father, can I ask you something else?"
"Certainly, my son," Intones the priest, "What is it?"
The old farmer mumbles, "Should I tell her the war's over?"
The old farmer says, "Bless me, Father, it is thirty three years since my last confession...." Interrupting him, the priest said in very severe tones, "Thirty three years!!! Why, what has caused you to leave it so long, my son? I hope you have a very good reason?"
The old farmer took a deep breath and continued, "Well, Father, in 1942, during World War Two, I was milking the few cows I still had at my farm one day when a gorgeous young woman appeared in front of me like a vision from Heaven. She was absolutely terrified, Father, completely out of breath, said she was in the Resistance, and she promised my anything I wanted if I would only hide her from the Nazis who were hunting for her. So I agreed and locked her in the secret compartment in my hay loft. I was the only one who knew of its existence."
"But, my son, that is most commendable of you. There's no need to confess to such an act of patriotic kindness, though?" Says the priest.
The old farmer then blurts out, "Oh but there is, Father! You see, she was so irresistibly attractive, that not only did I agree to hide her in my hay loft's secret compartment, but I gave into my lustful thoughts about her, and decided to take her up on her offer by demanding regular sexual favours from her for shielding her from the Nazi scum! May God and France forgive me! I am so ashamed, Father! That is why it has been thirty-three long years since my last confession! I could not allow myself to go to my grave with such a heinous crime on my conscience!!"
"But", Replies the priest, "It is a medal you deserve, not shame or punishment! Our Lord, in His kindness and understanding, will indeed forgive you, my son. I have no doubt that the young lady herself would have agreed that God in His Heaven would have conferred His forgiveness on you for saving her from the Nazi hordes, and that surrendering the pleasures of her body to you was but a tiny token on her behalf for your brave and selfless service to France! So, go now, and let your conscience trouble you no more. I absolve you from all sin."
The old farmer starts to leave the confessional, but then hesitates and says, "Father, can I ask you something else?"
"Certainly, my son," Intones the priest, "What is it?"
The old farmer mumbles, "Should I tell her the war's over?"
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
Well I've probably posted about 30, there's @Ron-da-Valli's zulu joke which is my favourite ( Any good jokes ... ? ) so that leaves 169.
The only contribution worth noting from you in this thread is giving my jokes the Likes they so richly deserve.
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
They were pity likes.
ClichéGuevara
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kingston upon the River Hull
A group of blokes, all aged 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons on main street because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons on main street because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons on main street because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons on main street because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons on main street because they had never been there before.
Ten years later, at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons on main street because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons on main street because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons on main street because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons on main street because they had never been there before.
ClichéGuevara
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kingston upon the River Hull
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and then asks, 'Where's my toast ?'
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and then asks, 'Where's my toast ?'
Andy_R
Hard of hearing..I said Herd of Herring..oh FFS..
- Location
- County Durham
I asked my boss what to do with the 6m roll of bubble wrap that was delivered this morning.
"Just pop it in the corner" he said.
I was still there 4 fekking hours later.....
"Just pop it in the corner" he said.
I was still there 4 fekking hours later.....
A friend of mine said he wanted to sell his old car but the mileage was very high so he didn't expect much for it.
I told him that I had a slightly dodgy mate who would clock it for him quite cheaply......and gave him the details.
A couple of weeks later I met him and asked if he had had it clocked.......to which he said 'oh yes'.
I asked him "did you sell it then"
He said "no, I dont want to sell it now.............its only got 5000 miles on the clock
I told him that I had a slightly dodgy mate who would clock it for him quite cheaply......and gave him the details.
A couple of weeks later I met him and asked if he had had it clocked.......to which he said 'oh yes'.
I asked him "did you sell it then"
He said "no, I dont want to sell it now.............its only got 5000 miles on the clock
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
What do you call a wizard that puts people to sleep?
Dumblebore
Dumblebore
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
Everyone mocked me when I said I was going to post in the jokes thread.
None of them are laughing now, are they.
Bob Monkhouse would approve of you?
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
Indeed he would. He delivered it with eyebrows raised better than I could though.
