Any good jokes ... ?

[compo]

2,500 years ago in Greece, a girl named Gedophamee was attending an unnamed athletic festival.
In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpetre, before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the naked males marching toward her. She exclaimed: "Oh.......Limp Pricks!"
And that, my friends, over the next two and a half millennia, has morphed into: "Olympics".

 

[vernon]

2,500 years ago in Greece, a girl named Gedophamee was attending an unnamed athletic festival.
In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpetre, before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the naked males marching toward her. She exclaimed: "Oh.......Limp Pricks!"
And that, my friends, over the next two and a half millennia, has morphed into: "Olympics".

How long did it take for you to contrive that one?

 

[jayonabike]

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the tw*t on my back."

 

[Octet]

(Two friends in a pub)

I used to know a mate I did, he was an electrician and a ruddy good one at that, but he died last week.
Oh right, how did he die?
Well, he was colour blind you see.

 

[subaqua]

(Two friends in a pub)

I used to know a mate I did, he was an electrician and a ruddy good one at that, but he died last week.
Oh right, how did he die?
Well, he was colour blind you see.

sadly thats now more likely as the bar on colourblindness has been lifted for the trade. 1st thing we had tested at college was colourblindness. if you failed you couldn't be a spark.

 

[Archie_tect]

sadly thats now more likely as the bar on colourblindness has been lifted for the trade. 1st thing we had tested at college was colourblindness. if you failed you couldn't be a spark.

Now, if you are colourblind you will be one... a very big, loud one.

 

[02GF74]

(Two friends in a pub)

I used to know a mate I did, he was an electrician and a ruddy good one at that, but he died last week.
Oh right, how did he die?
Well, he was colour blind you see.

how could he be a good electrician as surely he would be making mistakes with the wiring all the time?

 

[Octet]

how could he be a good electrician as surely he would be making mistakes with the wiring all the time?

 

[vernon]

Three blokes boasting about their pet's prowess

First bloke: 'My parrot can recite the entire Rudyard Kipling "If" poem'

The other two blokes give an appreciative whistle

Second bloke: 'That's nothing. My monkey can play Chopin's piano sonata number 3 in B minor.'

First and third bloke are agog in amazement.

Third bloke: 'Ha! My dog's great at metalwork'

First and second bloke in unison: 'Metalwork!?'

Third bloke: 'Yeah. Every time I go to kick him he makes a bolt for the door.'

 

[Red Light]

An old one this.

Miles heads off to his favourite restaurant where the Maitre'd welcomes his as a regular diner. Miles asks the Maitre'd for his recommendation for the night and the Maitre'd, knowing Miles' love of unusual foods points out a very special green squid with a hairy moustache in the fish tank that they've just had in. Miles gets excited and has to have this unusual squid for dinner, no question. The Maitre'd pulls the squid out of the tank and heads off to the kitchen to hand it to Jervais, the chef, to prepare. But as the squid is lying there on the chopping board looking up at Jervais with its big green squid eyes and quivering hairy lip, Jervais just can't bring himself to do the deed. After several attempts he summons over Hans, the big hard German dishwasher to do it for him. But Hans too, as he looks at the big squid eyes looking up at him and the quivering hairy lip is too overcome by emotion and just can't do it either because

Hans that does dishes can be soft as Jervais with Miles' green hairy lip squid.

Where's my coat?

 

[gavintc]

Was at a comedy show at the Fringe during the weekend. This was one that amused me;
'Women who think size does not matter, are just shallow'

 

[PaulB]

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other "The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."


"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five
blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars.

There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How did it go?"

"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said
it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee . "I didn't
want them to think I was a wasp."

 

[Smokin Joe]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

[grumpyoldgit]

Jewish solicitor marries a Japenese girl,they had a son & called him Sosumi.

 

[Smokin Joe]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.