Arjimlad
Tights of Cydonia
- Location
- South Glos
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Don't put your mother in a nursing home
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."
Boon 51
Veteran
- Location
- Deal. Kent.
Heard the one about the Spanish fireman who had two sons..... one was called Jose and one was called hose B...
I know the oldun's are the best..
I know the oldun's are the best..
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
There once was a very religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And my favorite:
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins? "
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody".
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
There once was a very religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And my favorite:
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins? "
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody".
Ron-da-Valli
It's a bleedin' miracle!
- Location
- Rorke's Drift
I paid £400 for a pair of binoculars yesterday. They saw me coming!
Ron-da-Valli
It's a bleedin' miracle!
- Location
- Rorke's Drift
I was going to buy some slippers today but I got cold feet.
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
Fetch yer coat, sir?
Ron-da-Valli
It's a bleedin' miracle!
- Location
- Rorke's Drift
When Iwent to the bike shop for a gilet I got the cold shoulder!Fetch yer coat, sir?
Where's me coat?
Slim
Über Member
- Location
- Plough Lane
If badger meat was available in restaurants would it be on the sett menu?
wasn't the title 'good jokes'? lol
Maz
Guru
Two African doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor...
The first doctor says “I am telling you it is whooom, w-h-o-o-o-m.”
The second doctor contradicts “And I am telling you, you are wrong it is definitely wooomh, w-o-o-o-m-h.”
A young nurse passes by and overhears - being new on the job and keen to impress decides to intervene. “Excuse me doctors, but I can help. The word you are looking for is womb, w-o-m-b.
She walks on down the corridor feeling pleased with herself.
The first doctor turns to the second and says “Ignore her, she doesn’t know what she is talking about. I bet she has never even seen a hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart under water.”
The first doctor says “I am telling you it is whooom, w-h-o-o-o-m.”
The second doctor contradicts “And I am telling you, you are wrong it is definitely wooomh, w-o-o-o-m-h.”
A young nurse passes by and overhears - being new on the job and keen to impress decides to intervene. “Excuse me doctors, but I can help. The word you are looking for is womb, w-o-m-b.
She walks on down the corridor feeling pleased with herself.
The first doctor turns to the second and says “Ignore her, she doesn’t know what she is talking about. I bet she has never even seen a hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart under water.”
