Any good jokes ... ?

[RichardB]

Neither did Bill Clinton, apparently. Nor did he 'have sex with that woman'. I know what I believe,

 

[swee'pea99]

You've been smoking too much cannabis. The symptoms are:

1. Loss of short-term memory
2. Lung damage
3. Loss of short-term memory.

Cheech & Chong did this one best: "People say....that...like....smoking dope causes.....er....short term memory loss....but like.......er......um......sorry, where was I?"

 

[Licramite]

I was in York before Christmas and I saw a prison break.
I was walking past the prison when I saw a con sliding down a drain pipe
I was going to call the police, but he threatened me with a sneer.
Now normally I would have been afraid - but he was only about 5ft 2"
so he was just a little condescending.

 

[ufkacbln]

I never inhaled...

... Or did you inhale, but forgot that you did?

 

[Markymark]

I was in York before Christmas and I saw a prison break.
I was walking past the prison when I saw a con sliding down a drain pipe
I was going to call the police, but he threatened me with a sneer.
Now normally I would have been afraid - but he was only about 5ft 2"
so he was just a little condescending.

I heard it was a midget who could contact the dead. Headline was

Small medium at large.

 

[screenman]

The missus left a note on the fridge saying
"It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at mums for a while"
I opened it, light came on and the beer was well chilled.

God knows what she was on about ?

 

[RichardB]

Cheech & Chong did this one best: "People say....that...like....smoking dope causes.....er....short term memory loss....but like.......er......um......sorry, where was I?"

Cheech and Chong did a lot of things best. Two that have stayed with me over the years: "Dave's Not Here!" and "He stuck it in his eye, man!"

Happy daze.

 

[john59]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And
didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And
I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer damn candle !

 

[wheresthetorch]

Opposing scientists have been forced to reconsider their views after genetic engineers managed to cross a seagull with a sheep.

The result of the experiment has been described as a massive Ewe Tern.

 

[Markymark]

We shouldn't scoff at Jesus when he said "He who lives by the sword dies by the sword".

I mean he probably should know as he was a carpenter who died by being nailed to a piece of wood.

 

[Racing roadkill]

What's up to a foot long, made of leather, and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost in the desert, wandering for days.
Eventually they find a town and head for the bar...
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have some wine."
The German says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have a beer."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

I heard it was a midget who could contact the dead. Headline was

Small medium at large.

Surely he escaped from police custody?
EDIT - Just read what you were responding to

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

My mate told me to put all my money on a horse called 'Landfill'

Turned out to be a rubbish tip.

Just put a tenner on V-Neck, apparently a very good jumper

Just put a tenner on Dusty Carpet, he'll take one hell of a beating!

Just bet on three horses - Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times
None of them won. I blame it on the bookie.

After I won at poker again last night, my mate asked, "How come you're so lucky at cards yet so unlucky at the horses?"
I said, "Well, I don't get to shuffle the horses."