Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Andy_R
Hard of hearing..I said Herd of Herring..oh FFS..
- Location
- County Durham
351 days 'til Christmas
some fekkers round here have got their lights up really early.....
some fekkers round here have got their lights up really early.....
raleighnut
Legendary Member
- Location
- One of the 'Elite'
I've not been a member since 2011 and if you think I'm going to trawl back for 218 pages to find that it was the first jokeA repeat of the very first joke that started this thread.
It ain't as good as the Billy Connolly dead wife/park my bike joke though.
EDIT - So I thought I'd post it for the benefit of those who didn't watch 'Parky' in the early 70s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Slw08b3bHFE
Last edited:
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African black tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the Penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-and-Weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-and-Weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge so they stopped.
Richard, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Richard also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ......."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole Richard here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ....... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, Richard gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed
Richard, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Richard also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ......."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole Richard here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ....... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, Richard gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed
RichardB
Slightly retro
- Location
- West Wales
Following on ... another group of bikers were riding down a deserted road in the back country when they came across a group of college students milling about by the side of the road. Curious as to what was going on, the bikers stopped and got off their bikes. The leader could see that one of the students had his trousers round his ankles, and another was messing about with his rear end. The leader stepped up to them, and as he got closer he could see that the student had his finger up the other one's arse.
"Hey, buddy, what are you doing with that guy?"
"Well, you see, he's had too much to drink. I'm trying to make him sick."
"Hate to point this out to you, buddy, but the usual way to do that is to put your fingers down his throat."
"Yeah, sure. That's next."
"Hey, buddy, what are you doing with that guy?"
"Well, you see, he's had too much to drink. I'm trying to make him sick."
"Hate to point this out to you, buddy, but the usual way to do that is to put your fingers down his throat."
"Yeah, sure. That's next."
Still getting through the Christmas crackers I see.
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'
The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushybees.'
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'
The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushybees.'
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
That's nothing. I've already had my first Cadbury's Creme egg of Easter.
Maverick Goose
A jumped up pantry boy, who never knew his place
- Location
- A champagne supernova in the sky
Are they eggspecting something?
