Any good jokes ... ?

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RichardB

Slightly retro
Location
West Wales
Wasn't it a Norwegian Jarlsberger, called Eric? (Didn't like the others, they were all too flat)
"No, he's not dead, he's resting. Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn't it? Beautiful plumage."
"The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead."

"Gruyere? Emmenthal?"
"No."
"Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, perchance?"
"No."
 

john59

Guru
Location
Wirral
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?" The old golfer leans over the bar whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am. ”The old golfer leans in even closer into her left ear and says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
 

Dave7

Legendary Member
Location
Cheshire
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN.

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing g...own.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum and tenderly stroke your belly.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off, whilst seductively stroking your belly.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed
 

john59

Guru
Location
Wirral
Little Johnnys' parents had tried everything to help his maths grade:
tutors, detention, Maths online, special learning centres, everything.
Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying.
His mother was amazed. ...
Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Johnny was hard at work.
As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more.
This went on for weeks until Little Johnny proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents:
An A in Maths!
"Johnny! This is great!
I'm so proud of you! Son.
What was it?
What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy shook his head.
"Well, then, was it the books?
The discipline?
The structure?
The uniforms, Catholic School.
What was it?"
Little Johnny looked at her and said,
"Well, Mum, it's like this.
When I saw that guy out in the hallway almost naked and nailed to a plus sign, I knew they weren't screwing around!"
 

Venod

Eh up
Location
Yorkshire
An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Manchester... There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to Blackburn, Darwen, Burnley, Rochdale and Littleborough. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.

He arrived in Todmorden, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son. It's a local call.'
 
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