Any good jokes ... ?

[screenman]

Self-Examination for Alzheimer's Disease...

It takes less than 15 seconds...

If you are over 55 years old,

you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test,

even if you aren't that old you should take it anyway.



How fast can you guess these words


(fill-in the blanks)?



1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S

























Answers:



1. RANDOM


2. FORK


3. PANTS


4. PULSE


5. SIX


6. BOOKS



You got all 6 wrong...

didn't you?

 

[screenman]

I hear that the age old game of knocking on someone's front door & running away before its answered has been given a new name..............

its now called Parcelforce

 

[OskarTennisChampion]

Sean Connery's agent phones him with a bumper last payday and blockbuster film opportunity.
"Hey Sean,I have just got a phone call to say they want you as the lead role in the next big movie,and they want to set up a meeting."
"That's great when is it ?"
Well,they want you for tennish"
"But I don't have a Racket"

 

[RichardB]

'You're in Yorkshire now, son. It's a local call.'

Love it.

 

[PaulSB]

 

[Maverick Goose]

What's Roman Abramovich's favourite game?

Pass the Buck...

 

[glenn forger]

I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways.

 

[Lullabelle]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN.

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing g...own.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum and tenderly stroke your belly.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off, whilst seductively stroking your belly.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed

 

[screenman]

... the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[screenman]

We had Social Networking when I was a kid too. Back then though, it was called "Outside"

 

[screenman]

"I bet you could wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed by now," I said to to the wife.

"I probably could," she laughed.

"Great, I'll just go and get yours," I said.

 

[vernon]

 

[John the Monkey]

Or the singing cheese?

Brieyoncé

Deserved more, that one.

 

[John the Monkey]

what's the difference between a stoat and a weasel ?

Stoats tend to be larger, and have a black tip on their tails. They may also turn white in winter, and live, on average longer than weasels.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Stoats tend to be larger, and have a black tip on their tails. They may also turn white in winter, and live, on average longer than weasels.