Any good jokes ... ?

[machew]

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in Heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor in my time and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!!'"

 

[Dayvo]

I met my wife in Las Vegas.

I said, 'what the bloody hell are you doing here?'

 

[AM1]

A dwarf went into there local library and enquired if they had a book on irony, the librarian stated that yes they do, it's over there on the top shelf

 

[RichardB]

And from 2012 ...
"What can I get you guys?"
Two neutrinos walk into a bar.

 

[AM1]

Went to the doctors the other day to ask him does he have anything I can take for wind

He gave me a kite

 

[vernon]

Vladimir Putin is changing his name to Ebenezer Scrooge...
Because if he gets his way, there will be no Turkey this Christmas....

 

[john59]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the barman,
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?"
said Charlie,
"And how did this one end?"
"When it was over,"
Mike replied,
"She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really,"
said Charles,
"Now that's a switch!
What did she say?"
She said,
"Come out from under the bed, you bloody coward."

 

[john59]

Stevie Wonder concert
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice, `Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!'.
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts, `No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord'.
A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again, `No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord'.
Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage, `OK smart ass.
You get up here and do it!'.
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
`A jazz chord to say I ruv you..

 

[Smokin Joe]

Cliff Richard was on the same bill.

The crowd kept chanting "Tits and Fanny" all through the set. Perplexed, he turned to one of the band members during the interval and said, "What do they keep shouting 'Tits and Fanny' for, don't they like me?"

The guy replies, "No, they love you and that is their favourite song".

Cliff says, "Sing a few bars, I've never heard of it".

The band member starts to sing;

"Tits and fanny, how we don't talk anymore..."

 

[Maverick Goose]

Vladimir Putin is changing his name to Ebenezer Scrooge...
Because if he gets his way, there will be no Turkey this Christmas....

I went to an AL-Anon meeting and ended up in Syria.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

NOT SAFE FOR WORK

We've all met this type of WVM

Spoiler: Click to watch video

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CeNvhd9b60

 

[john59]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''
''No shoot?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''
''Keep going!''
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''
''What next?'' begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''
I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?'

 

[Hitchington]

It's really cold all year round in Motown.

Three degrees...four tops.

 

[Dayvo]

It's really cold all year round in Motown.

Three degrees...four tops.

Not forgetting Kool & the Gang from New Jersey

 

[postman]

The wife has just rung.She says she is in Casualty.Well i just watched it on catch up,never spotted her.