Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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machew
Veteran
An Engineer, a Statistician, and a Mathematician are on a train from London to Edinburgh to attend a conference. As the train crosses the border the Engineer spots a black sheep on a nearby hillside.
He exclaims "Sheep in Scotland are black"
The Statistician corrects him "no, all you can say is that at least one sheep in Scotland is black"
The Mathematicians steps and adds "no, all you can say is that at least one sheep in Scotland is black on at least one side"
He exclaims "Sheep in Scotland are black"
The Statistician corrects him "no, all you can say is that at least one sheep in Scotland is black"
The Mathematicians steps and adds "no, all you can say is that at least one sheep in Scotland is black on at least one side"
glenn forger
Guest
Something like that could spell disaster!
winjim
Smash the cistern
True story: Kirsty Maccoll once played a gig and was getting increasingly pissed off by a guy at the front who kept shouting "Tits out! Tits out!". It was only as she was singing one of her more famous songs, that she realised he was actually shouting "Chip shop! Chip shop!"
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
Niche joke alert.
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says "is this stool taken?"
blamelouis
Über Member
- Location
- Belfast
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.
His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.
His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
glenn forger
Guest
K T Tunstall had that at a gig when some girls kept shouting Lesbian, eventually she stopped the gig and said "I have lesbian friends, but I'm not a lesbian so shut up and stop being so bloody stupid". "No, no K T" the girls said "We said LEGEND,"
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
Something similar happened at a Jim Davidson gig where he thought people in the crowd were shouting "You massive w@nker."
Turns out they were.
Turns out they were.
Fnaar
Smutmaster General
- Location
- Thumberland
wheresthetorch
Dreaming of Celeste
- Location
- West Sussex
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
With an itheberg.
One day on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.
A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, "Hey, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, thanks." he replied, crawling out from under the cart.
"You look frazzled." the woman said. "Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."
"That's very kind of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like that."
"Oh, come on!" the woman - a gorgeous brunette in a skimpy bikini - insisted. "I can see you've cut your head and it could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse." She was very persuasive...and he was weak.
"Well, okay," he agreed, but added, "but my wife won't like it."
After she bandaged his wound she poured him a beer and they talked a little about golf, whereupon he discovered that she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. Then, when he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson, holding him close and intimately as she did. Finally he confessed, "I feel so much better now, but I'd better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me for being here with you."
"Don't be silly!" the woman said with a smile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?
" Under the cart "
A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, "Hey, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, thanks." he replied, crawling out from under the cart.
"You look frazzled." the woman said. "Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."
"That's very kind of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like that."
"Oh, come on!" the woman - a gorgeous brunette in a skimpy bikini - insisted. "I can see you've cut your head and it could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse." She was very persuasive...and he was weak.
"Well, okay," he agreed, but added, "but my wife won't like it."
After she bandaged his wound she poured him a beer and they talked a little about golf, whereupon he discovered that she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. Then, when he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson, holding him close and intimately as she did. Finally he confessed, "I feel so much better now, but I'd better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me for being here with you."
"Don't be silly!" the woman said with a smile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?
" Under the cart "
SEX QUOTATIONS.
I am led to believe they are genuine.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
SL500."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Bill Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he
lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy.
Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
I am led to believe they are genuine.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
SL500."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Bill Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he
lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy.
Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
Sex between two people can be a beautiful thing...as long as you find the right two people. - Woody Allen
