Any good jokes ... ?

[Smokin Joe]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[Cubist]

St Peter rushes into the main office and shouts "Lord, there's been a coach crash. There are 54 Scousers at the Pearly Gates. "
God replies "Ah, we haven't reincarnated enough Souls, there isn't room for them all. Go back and tell them either to go downstairs or wait til tomorrow. "
St Peter trots off only to return a couple of minutes later. "Lord, they've gone." he says.
"What, the Scousers?" says God
"No," says St Peter "The gates."

 

[TVC]

St Peter rushes into the main office and shouts "Lord, there's been a coach crash. There are 54 Scousers at the Pearly Gates. "
God replies "Ah, we haven't reincarnated enough Souls, there isn't room for them all. Go back and tell them either to go downstairs or wait til tomorrow. "
St Peter trots off only to return a couple of minutes later. "Lord, they've gone." he says.
"What, the Scousers?" says God
"No," says St Peter "The gates."

Haven't heard that for a couple of years, it's the best scouser, theivin' scallie' joke ever.

 

[OskarTennisChampion]

Breaking News-Sean Connery has been seriously injured by a pile of books at his home.
Recovering in Hospital,Connery told Reporters "I can only blame my shelf"

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

What a fab girl

 

[ufkacbln]

How do you know you are drinking in a Liverpool Pub?

You glance down and find your trainers are gone and you are standing on a pair of bricks

 

[derrick]

Don't know if this has been on here before.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They
said,
"Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it
looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she's good with the kids."!!!!!!!

 

[OskarTennisChampion]

Brilliant derrick

 

[RichardB]

Genuine LOL at that.

 

[Hitchington]

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

 

[subaqua]

CS2

 

[Andy_R]

Dunno if this is a good joke, or a bad dream.................

 

[Cubist]

What is white with a blue tail and hunts silently through the night sky?

A sanitary owl.

(sorry...)

 

[Cubist]

Don't know if this has been on here before.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They
said,
"Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it
looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she's good with the kids."!!!!!!!

Fraid so. Sept 28 2012

Two policemen knocked on my door last night, and I was surprised to see they had a picture of my wife with them. One asked if it was her, and I confirmed it was.

"Well I'm sorry," he said, "But it looks like she's been in a accident."
"Yes I know it does," I replied, "But she's good with the kids."

But I think you got more likes than I did.

 

[wheresthetorch]

I heard a great joke about a boomerang earlier.
I’m sure it’ll come back to me eventually.