Any good jokes ... ?

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Woman on a radio phone-in about customer service around 8 years go.
She worked In a major store and was on the customer service desk....
Customer comes to the desk with one of those disposable barbecues and complains there s no food in it
"Not supposed to be" says the assistant
"Yes there is" replies the customer, "it shows you on the lid", pointing to the pictures of sausages, burgers etc.
"That's only for illustration showing what it's used for" replies the assistant
"Well that's no good and I bought them cos I thought they were on a special price at £3.00" says the customer
"We can give you a refund madam" says the assistant, to which the customer replies...

"Yeah, but what about the other five I've got in the freezer at home?"
 
Walked past a house the other day with a sign in the window "television for sale,volume knob broke"

I thought I can't turn that down.



Saw an rac van parked in a layby the other day and the driver was crying his eyes out.

I thought he must be heading for a breakdown.
 

on the road

Über Member
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
 
My new girlfriend said she won't have oral sex with me for 3 months.

I told her I fully respected her wishes and would call her nearer the time.
 
Sometimes there's no nicer feeling than pissing into a bottle.
But other times I hate my job at the Carlsberg factory.

Why does Facebook keep showing me adverts for UK Christian Dating?
If there's one thing I don't need help with, it's finding girls who won't sleep with me.
 

loadz

Well-Known Member
Location
Toon
It was hard getting over my addiction to Hokey Cokey.

But I've turned myself round and that's what it's all about.

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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Charles De Gaulle Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration Officer.
"German," she replies.
"Qccupation?"
"No, just here for a few days." :-)
 

loadz

Well-Known Member
Location
Toon
If anyone needs to know how to get a champagne cork back into the bottle.................just ask a Man U fan

=-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Took the wife to the doctor's today to get her Tourettes cured.

Turns out she hasn't got it.

She really does think I'm a tw@t and wants me to f*ck-off
icon_biggrin.gif
 

swee'pea99

Legendary Member
Not a joke exactly, but from Simon Hoggart in Saturday's Guardian..

To our annual neighbourhood barn dance on Saturday, and if you haven't do-si-do'ed in pouring rain, you haven't lived. Or else you might be certifiable. I spent the time sheltering and chatting to my friend Jim, who is from Glasgow. He says this story is true, and I would love to believe him. A friend of his worked for the BBC and had travelled from Scotland to London to interview a Tory MP (I don't know who).
The MP's secretary said he would be along in a moment. In the meantime, the reporter looked round the office and saw a large picture of Ken Dodd. When the MP turned up, Jim's friend said how glad he was he admired Ken Dodd too, what a great comedian he was, how many times he'd been to see him …
There was a certain froideur. "That," said the MP, "is not Ken Dodd. It is my wife."
 

PaulB

Legendary Member
Location
Colne
The title of this thread should be changed to Any Good Jokes (that haven't been cut/pasted from Sickipedia) It would be considerably shorter, and the better for it, if that was a rule adhered to.
 

loadz

Well-Known Member
Location
Toon
The title of this thread should be changed to Any Good Jokes (that haven't been cut/pasted from Sickipedia) It would be considerably shorter, and the better for it, if that was a rule adhered to.

Not even sure what that is,Is it catching??Most of mine are from texts i receive but i dare say there available at 100+ places online,Nothing is unique anymore
 

loadz

Well-Known Member
Location
Toon
and toooooooooooooooooooooooooo big for sickypedia



A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making adocumentary on Native dances.

At the end of this time, he had every singlenative dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so hethought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into apub for a well earned beer.He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about hisproject. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance."Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?""What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?""No, I've never heard of it.""Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmedevery native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?""Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what youmean?""No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree.""Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued.

"Well how can I see this ButcherDance then?""Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you manydays of travel to go see it.""Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepestdarkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances.Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance.

""Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along thehighway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt trackveer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big hugedead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car,because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due westinto the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow thiscreek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out ofsome rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there,though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains.The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybethree days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for fourdays until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man'shead. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find thevillage. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After acouple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state,and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach thetree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high,and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysteriousdance that he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions hehad been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it foranother two, until he reached the rocky mountains.The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of bothhimself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on,finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him fromcompleting his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit astreacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of evergetting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days ofback breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued theirlong trek.When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low,and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves andheaded out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtuallystaggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them andfed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Oncehe recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him thathe came to film their Butcher Dance."Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. Youtoo late. You miss dance.""Well, when do you hold the next dance?""Not till next year.""Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dancefor me tonight?""No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once ayear. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but tohead back to civilization and back home.The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to missout again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing tospend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensurehe was present to witness it.But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that yearturned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles.

Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud onfoot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and themountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass,they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during whichthey were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until itsubsided.Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of thecrew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journeygreatly.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling,they staggered into the village right at noon."The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late tosee it!"The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performedtonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon settingup their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. Asdusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adornthemselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins.

Once darknesshad settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a hugeroaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alikeas a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entirebody entered the circle and began to chant."What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief."Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see mostsacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spiritsof the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through ourdance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watchover us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removedhimself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomedout across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself.

This wasit.

He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain.

Hewas about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement everconceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big boomingvoice, started to sing:

"You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right armout. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."
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Cubist

Still wavin'
Location
Ovver 'thill
Robert Degan, the man widely accredited with writing the Hokey Cokey died in December 2009. Apparently things were going fine until they tried to get him into the coffin. They put the left leg in and that's when the f*cking trouble started.
 

The Jogger

Legendary Member
Location
Spain
Father to son.

Getting old is terrible. I went upstairs yesterday and forgot what I went up for, I thought for a minute and went back downstairs. That's when I sh1t myself.
 
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