Any good jokes ... ?

[Ashtrayhead]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........




Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before

 

[ufkacbln]

A young lady of non-discrimintory hair colour gets caught for speeding,

The Police Officer asks for her license.

The young lady looks confused and asks him to describe it.

The Police Officer explains that it is a small object with he picture on it.

Aaaaah says the young and reaches into her handbag from which after much rummaging she produces a a small mirror. She hands this to the Police Officer.

The Police officer looks at it carefully and hands it back.

"Sorry Madam if I had known you were a Police Officer I would not have stopped you"

 

[rollinstok]

A snowman asked the snowman next to him..
" Can you smell carrot ? "

 

[Maz]

Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich and give to the poor?
The poor had nothing worth nicking.

(Taken from a school joke book - made I larf anyways)

 

[Arjimlad]

Quasimodo retires so the bishop of Notre Dame advertises for a new bell ringer. An armless man shows up, says he can do the job, and persuades the bishop to let him demonstrate. They go up to the bell tower where the man head-butts the bell to make it ring. The bishop is amazed but when the man tries to ring the bell a second time he slips and falls over the edge of the tower to his death.

The bishop runs down the tower stairs to find that a crowd has gathered around the dead man. A policeman asks: "Do you know this man's name?"
The bishop replies: "No but his face rings a bell"

And the very next day another similar-looking man shows up, explains he is the twin brother of the first, and would like to take over his brother's last job as a matter of family pride.

The bishop shows him the stairs to the belltower. Moments later, there is a loud clang, a cry, and this brother too falls to his death. The policeman attends and once more, asks the bishop whether he knows the man's name.

The bishop replies " No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother".

 

[Maz]

What do you call a South African doctor in Egypt?
A pyramidic.

 

[RaRa]

What do you call a three legged donkey?

Wonky

 

[rollinstok]

What do you call a blind deer....... no idea
What do you call a blind deer with no legs.... still no idea

 

[PBancroft]

How do you make a static caravan?

Rub it against your jumper

 

[ufkacbln]

What do you call a blind deer....... no idea
What do you call a blind deer with no legs.... still no idea

What do you call a blind deer with no legs and a gunshot wound?

Still no bloody idea!

 

[roadrash]

what do you call a dinosaur with one eye ........do you think he saurus

 

[Andy_R]

What do you call a fly with no wings?




A walk.

 

[Red Light]

What do you call a mushroom at the bar buying drinks all round?

A fungi to be with!

 

[Red Light]

A piece of string walks into a bar. "Are you a piece of string?" ask the barman suspisciously "only we don't serve string in here" "No, I'm a frayed knot" came the reply.

A baby seal walks into the bar and sits down. "What will you have to drink?" asks the barman. "Anything but Canadian Club"

 

[Cubist]

A man walks into a dentist's and says "I am a moth."

"I beg your pardon? " said the dentist
" I am a moth" says the bloke

"It's not a dentist you need pal, it's a psychiatrist."
"Oh I know that" said the bloke "But I was on my way past and your light was on."