Any good jokes ... ?

[Cubist]

Van Gogh sitting in the pub. His mate comes in and says
"Vincent, do you want a pint?"

"No thanks" says Van Gogh "I've got one 'ere."

 

[Hover Fly]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Luke

Luke who?

Luke through the keyhole and you'll see.

 

[tyred]

The Talented Hypnotist

It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage,
he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two
or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each
to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing
the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd
became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces. "shoot!" said the hypnotist.


It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

 

[Beebo]

The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as "English Weather'. Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather' ( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )​

 

[Arjimlad]

This chap goes to the doctors and say that he is breaking wind a lot lately and when he does it sounds like a motorbike.

The doctor says "let me have a look inside your mouth", and the chap says "whatever for?"

The doctor says "have you never heard of the saying Abcess makes the f@rts go Honda?

 

[gbb]

Following fights between Russian and Polish supporters in the Euro 2012 competition in Warsaw, any Polish football fans convicted of fighting face immediate deportation back to the UK......

 

[vernon]

Following fights between Russian and Polish supporters in the Euro 2012 competition in Warsaw, any Polish football fans convicted of fighting face immediate deportation back to the UK......

Collect your coat on the way out....

 

[colly]

Little boy walks in on his mum when she is naked and getting into the bath. He stares at her pubic hair and asks 'What's all that ?'
Being a bit of a prude and rather than be straightforward with the lad she says it's her flannel, and she sits down.
A few days later the little boy wanders in from the garden and she asks him if she knows where his father is.
'Oh he's next door. The lady is washing his face with her flannel.'

 

[Arjimlad]

Old miser gathers lawyer, doctor and priest as he is about to die. He asks each of them to agree to do something important for him after he has died. His relatives he views as feckless and he has no charitable bones in his body. He gives each man a brown envelope containing a third of his life savings - £250,000 each - and says that they are to see that he takes it with him when he dies by putting it into his grave with him. They each reluctantly agree.

On the day of the funeral, as the interrment has ended, each man approached the grave and drops the envelopes in before the gravedigger starts to refill the hole. As the 3 have lagged behind to do this, they end up sharing a lift to the wake.

In the car the priest breaks down. Confesses to the other two that he took half of the money and gave it to the poor of the parish according to their needs. The Doctor then says he is glad that the priest has confessed because he too saw no sense in money mouldering in the grave, and donated 75% of the money to the local hospital's scanner appeal.

Lawyer is disgusted & upbraids the other two for breaking the sacred trust imposed upon them in such an underhand way. He is proud to say that into that grave went his personal cheque for the full amount.

 

[Cubist]

A man rings his solicitor and asks "what would you charge to answer three simple questions?"
"five hundred pounds" replied the solicitor.
"that's a lot isn't it?"

"yes," replied the solicitor, "what's the third question?"

 

[Cubist]

A priest, a cop and a solicitor are marooned on a desert island. They are close to starvation when a packing case labelled as foodstuffs washes up on a neighbouring island twenty five metres away. The sea between them and the case is full of ferocious sharks. Nevertheless they decide they have to try and swim for the supplies or starve to death.
"let me try," says the priest, "God and my faith will protect me." He dives in and is immediately attacked by the sharks. He just about manages to scramble back to the shore bloodied and savaged.
The cop says "I am fit and a strong swimmer, maybe I can out swim the sharks." He too dives in and makes about ten metres before the sharks attack, and he just about about makes if back to shore with a leg and both arms badly savaged.
The solicitor says "Allow me gentlemen" and he calmly swims out towards the island. The sharks rush towards him, but stop, line up, and simply watch him swim towards the packing case.
The priest says "It's a miracle"
The cop says, " No, just professional courtesy."

 

[Aggieboy]

Angela Merkel flew into Poland on Saturday morning and was met at Customs...

"Name?"
"Angela Merkel."
"Age?"
"58."
"Nationality?"
"German"
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for the football."

 

[TonyEnjoyD]

Quasimodo walks into his local after work, walks up the bar and asks for a Whisky.
"Bells alright" asks the batman.
"Mind your own fn business and gimme a Whisky" replies Quasimodo.

 

[TonyEnjoyD]

What do you call a three legged donkey?

Wonky

"A" Wonkey

 

[Smokin Joe]

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'