Any good jokes ... ?

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john59

Guru
Location
Wirral
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the Dog and asked why the Dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the Dog was a 'Sniffing Dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the Policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the Police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poo on the seat.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.
 

john59

Guru
Location
Wirral
We took some friends to a new restaurant and I noticed the waiter taking our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. This seemed a little strange.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' He explained,'Well, the owner hired a consulting firm to revamp all of our processes.. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon
was the most frequently dropped utensil, with a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it now.'
I was impressed. I also noticed that the waiter had a string hanging out of his fly.Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had a string hanging from their flies. So before the waiter walked off, I said, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

Lowering his voice. he said, 'Not everyone is so observant. The consulting firm also determined how we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and thus, eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.
 

mrcunning

Über Member
Paddy phoned the RSPCA to report he had found a dog with 5 puppies in a suitcase down on the canal, the operator says "Thats Terrible, are they still moving" to which Paddy replies, "I dont know, but that would explain the suitcase"
 

Electric_Andy

Heavy Metal Fan
Location
Plymouth
I got a new job last week, and on my first day the Manager approached me and started making small-talk. He said "so, what sports do you like watching?"

I panicked and said "gay darts". I meant to say Tennis.
 

vernon

Harder than Ronnie Pickering
Location
Meanwood, Leeds
A cerebral sheep joke.

A surveyor, an engineer and a topologist were each given the task of temporarily enclosing 100 lambs with the minimum amount of wire fencing to give each lamb a minimum of one square metre of space.

The surveyor said, "I need forty metres of fencing to create a square with 10 metre sides. That's 100 square metres. You can't do it with less fencing."

The engineer laughed and confidently said, "Give me 35.25 metres of fencing and I'll create an 11.28 metre diameter circle. That's 100 square metres. You definitely can't do it with less fencing - the circle is the most economical use of fencing to enclose a given space.

The topologist smirked and said, "Give me two metres of fencing and I'll do the job"

"Two metres??? No way!" said the surveyor and the engineer. "Show us"

The topologist calmly collected two metres of fencing, wrapped it around himself and declared himself to be on the outside. Job done!
 
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