Any good jokes ... ?

[steve50]

A bloke bought himself a new BMW and was happily driving it down the road when he thinks to himself, "I wonder how fast this thing will go." So he sticks his foot down, pulls up to over a hundred miles an hour and, before he knows it, he sees the blue lights flashing in his rear view mirror. Without thinking things through, he keeps his foot firmly on the floor thinking, "I can outrun him." After a few minutes, he comes to his senses and realises he isn't getting away from this, so he pulls over in a layby.

The policeman gets out and walks over to the car. The man winds his window down. The policeman says to him, "do you realise what the seriousness of what you just did is?"

The man replies, "yes, officer, I do realise. I'm sorry."

The policeman turns to him and explains that today is his last day till he retires it's also fifteen minutes before the end of his last shift and so he really doesn't want to do more paperwork, so he says to the man, "if you can think of a good excuse that I have never heard before, I will think about letting you go."

The man sits and thinks for a minute and then says to the officer, "my wife left me this morning for a policeman. I was just afraid you were trying to give her back!"

The policeman says, "have a nice day, sir."

 

[simon.r]

Apparently David Cameron has booked himself into his local STD clinic following the World Health Organisation's recent announcement.

 

[srw]

What do you call a bear in the rain?

Spoiler

a drizzly bear

 

[john59]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.

 

[Markymark]

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

 

[Freds Dad]

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking down your garden path.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

 

[postman]

Jewish Lady goes to see the Undertaker.
I want Hymie buried in the Gazza Strip.
That will take a week Madam,can you call back later.
So when she did.The Undertaker asked
Was it the Newcastle Shirt,The Spurs Shirt or the Glasgow Rangers shirt.

 

[steve50]

Advice to drivers to leave larger spaces between them and the car in front in thick fog has seen some BMWs backing off to up to seven inches from the car ahead of them.

With heavy fog covering much of Britain today, driving conditions have become difficult, but BMW drivers have done their bit by tailgating very, very slightly less aggressively, and leaving a gap big enough for a very small dog to squeeze through.

“I still wanted to get to work quickly but I’d heard on the radio that we should adapt our driving, use appropriate lights and leave a greater distance to the car in front.”, said Paul Bevan, a 5 series driver,

“I couldn’t find any additional lights to use as I have my fog lights on all the time anyway, so I just put my headlights on full beam instead. I did back off slightly from the car in front but I was worried that he then wouldn’t get the hint that I wanted to be driving faster than him, so I sounded my horn continuously for a stretch of three miles on a single track road.”

“Eventually he pulled over to let me pass and gave a cheerful wave to apologise. Well, his hand was moving up and down so I assume he was waving.”

Simon Williams, from the RAC, said: “I genuinely cannot believe that people need us to suggest to them that it might be a good idea not to drive so fast when you can’t see. Are you all complete morons?”

 

[steve50]

BMW owners have been warned that they’re vulnerable to attack by hackers, after an owner reported that his car had been overcome by mystery flashing lights.

Using a computer to access the vehicle’s Infotainment system, hackers activated some redundant old code and let other road users know where the hell it was going.

Derek Hostage was driving his BMW X6 when the attack happened, and explained how the lights came on as he was cutting up an ambulance.

“The lights completely took me by surprise”, claimed Hostage, “so I swerved into a bus stop and stuck my fingers up at the waiting queue.”

“That’s when the lights started flashing on both sides of my car. I assumed it must be Christmas, so I phoned my mum to tell her it was my sister’s turn to have her this year.”

BMW dealers are preparing to remove the bulbs from some 140,000 affected vehicles, and snap the aerials off to prevent further attacks.

Mr Hostage has already had the upgrade, and can once again travel with the air of mystery he’s accustomed to.

“I was quite surprised that the work also included keying all four doors and the bonnet”, said Hostage. “but the dealer explained that it allows me to park in disabled bays.”

 

[steve50]

With the government announcement that driverless cars will be permitted on public roads, BMW have said that any driverless car they release will still act like a dick.

“It is important that any autonomous car acts in a way people would expect if it was being driven by a human” a BMW press release said.

“That’s why indicator use is out of the window. Not only that, but our high-tech super-sensitive sensors mean we can still make any driverless car tailgate you, even at 90mph.

“As with any BMW that is controlled by a typical BMW driver, the car will let you know when it is one metre away from your bumper on the motorway by aggressively flashing its lights.”

The move by the German car maker has been welcomed by motoring organisations.

The AA have said: “A BMW racing around like no one is behind the wheel is nothing new to all other road users. But nothing can prepare you for a BMW thanking you for letting it out.”

 

[gaz71]

Just got a birthday card,opened it and a load of rice fell out.

it was from uncle ben.

 

[john59]

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.
No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."
The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.
On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"
Being in need of a new suit he walks in where the little Jewish Taylor greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you vant a suit, I vud say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 trouser."
"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.
"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Vud you like shoes to go with that?"
"Sure" says the man. The taylor looks down and says, "Okay I'd say zat you're a size 10."
"Ok, now you're freaking me out... thats a great talent" says the man.
"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some underpants?"
"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.
"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.
"Nope 34" replied the man.
To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 wud skwish your balls against your spine and you'd get a headache."

 

[wheresthetorch]

I just found out I’m colourblind.
It came completely out of the yellow.

 

[Dirk]

Q. When is the worst time to have a heart attack?



A. During a game of charades........