Any good jokes ... ?
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TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
My father-in-law was a lovely and popular adopted Cornish man. When we had his funeral it was up to me to organise some food at his local pub in Newlyn. We opted to keep it simple for the pub - a choice of curry and rice - chicken, beef or veggie. Over 200 people filling the garden and the landlady came out to take the order. I said "Hands up for Chicken" - about 160, "Hands up for beef" - the other 40. "Hands up for veggie" - no-one. So I checked again - same result. From the middle of the crowed in a strong Cornish accent came the shout... "Good old Mike. Two hundred of us here and not one f*cking vegetarian!"
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
How many Tourettes sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb?
daffodil!
daffodil!
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
At a stadium rock concert the lead singer clutches his chest and falls to the stage. The guitarist rushes over and kneels next to him. He grabs the mic and asks "Is there a Doctor in the house?"
A voice at the back of the main standing area shouts "I'm a vegan."
A voice at the back of the main standing area shouts "I'm a vegan."
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What' the difference between a Pilot and a Plane?
The Plane stops whining when it lands
roadrash
cycle chatterer
- Location
- sitting on the edge of wigan pier
whats black and white underneath nut brown on top....
A nun with the monk on
A nun with the monk on
Andy_R
Hard of hearing..I said Herd of Herring..oh FFS..
- Location
- County Durham
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’ The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her knickers and quickly gives her right arse cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’ The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her knickers and quickly gives her right arse cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
...The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
...The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
marknotgeorge
Hol den Vorschlaghammer!
- Location
- Derby.
What does Nigel Farage do when he farts after Christmas dinner?
Blame Brussels.
Blame Brussels.
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
What do you get if you cross Titanic with the Sixth Sense?
Icy dead people
Icy dead people
