Any good jokes ... ?

[Lullabelle]

How deep would the oceans be if there weren't any sponges

 

[threebikesmcginty]

What's orange and sounds like a carrot?

Isn't it 'what's orange and sounds like a parrot'?

 

[marknotgeorge]

I thought this thread was about good jokes...

That's the trouble with online forums. People who've clearly not read the thread sticking their oar in...

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

Isn't it 'what's orange and sounds like a parrot'?

Thanks for fixing that!
That has to rank along side the great
"When is a door not a door?"
"When its open,"
mistelling incident of 1986

 

[swee'pea99]

Thanks for fixing that!
That has to rank along the great
"When is a door not a door?"
"When its open,"
mistelling incident of 1986

Or 'what's black and white and red all over?'




A nun on a spit.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

Or 'what's black and white and red all over?'




A nun on a spit.

What's black and white and can't turn around in corridors?
A nun with a spear through her head.

 

[Andy_R]

I got my exam results from the Apiarist course I recently did. I got a B.

 

[colly]

Thanks for fixing that!
That has to rank along side the great
"When is a door not a door?"
"When its open,"
mistelling incident of 1986

Or the joke that ends in the punch line ''Numb, numb, numb'', after being set up with the line.......' Do you mind if I numb it ?'

My mate told the joke to a crowd in the pub and set it up with the line.............'Do you mind if I anaesthetise it ?'

Puzzled looks all round.

 

[Freds Dad]

My Grandad got sacked recently from his job as a Lollipop man for stealing.

All the signs were there.

 

[Dave7]

A conversation before marriage...
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She : Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse - from bottom to top.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

Did a show a while back with Sir Geoff Hurst hosting it. Not a big footie fan myself but I loved his anecdote about being famous but not always wanting to be recognised… it went something like this: (he told it very well)

Sometimes you just don’t want to be recognized and as the years have gone on it happens a little less to me. I was staying in a hotel in London and had a flight to catch from Heathrow so I booked a black cab. I just wanted to read the paper and, there is a moment, when you get in a cab when its make or break if the driver recognizes who you are or not. I got in and asked him to take me to Heathrow and all seemed to be going well. I held the paper up to hide behind it and enjoyed reading it in silence, thinking great, I’ve avoided the conversation.

As we headed down the A4 the I noticed the driver looking at me in his mirror. I thought, please don’t recognize me… At the Hogarth roundabout he did it again, but luckily said nothing. On the M4 he tried to catch my eye but I pretended to not notice… by the time we got to Heston Services he really started looking.

“Come on mate, give us a clue!” he said

Oh well, nearly there, so I said, “I used to play for West Ham and then Stoke. I also played for England. I’ve scored almost 300 goals, got a knighthood and am the only person ever to score a hat-trick in a World cup Final!”








The cabbie said “No. I meant do you want Terminal 1,2,3,4 or 5?”

 

[Hitchington]

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here"

HE doesn't react

 

[Hitchington]

I used to think an ocean of fizzy orange used to exist...

But it was just a Fanta sea

 

[PaulSB]

An Englishman walks into a bar.........usually there's a Welshman, Irishman and Scotsman but they're still at the World Cup.

 

[Kestevan]

An Englishman walks into a bar.........usually there's a Welshman, Irishman and Scotsman but they're still at the World Cup.

Get your moneys worth out of this joke while you can..... I suspect by 6pm on Sunday it will be dead.