Any good jokes ... ?

[TVC]

Not sure which side of the line this sits, guess I'll find out.

 

[Maverick Goose]

Cubester works in a local pub. Every single plural on every single menu has an apostrophe. I tried surreptitiously rubbing a few off the special's board (sic) but unfortunately the "chalk" needs a solvent to erase it.

I've seen some amusing spellings of 'brasserie' as well...

 

[Hitchington]

I went shopping the other day. In my basket I had a pint of milk, a small loaf of bread and a ready meal for one.
"You must be single" said the girl on checkout.
"That's right, how did you know?" I said packing away my meal for one.
"Because you're ugly and you stink" she replied

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

 

[PaulB]

Two silk worms have a race.

It ends in a tie.

 

[wheresthetorch]

A termite walked into a bar and asked "Is the bartender here?"

 

[Electric_Andy]

I was in the Supermarket the other day and had to queue at the checkout for 13 minutes. When it was finally my turn, the checkout lady said "sorry for the wait". I replied "don't apologise my love, you're not that fat"

 

[Electric_Andy]

A Horse walks into a bar. The Bartender says "why the long face?"

The horse replies "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

 

[Mugshot]

I was in the Supermarket the other day and had to queue at the checkout for 13 minutes. When it was finally my turn, the checkout lady said "sorry for the wait". I replied "don't apologise my love, you're not that fat"

Which could be based on a true story;
Many years ago a friend of mine was telling me about a rather large woman that he'd had in the shop that was kicking off about something or other, the young Saturday boy that was trying to help her was getting rather flustered and running back and forth to the warehouse trying to sort things out, unfortunately he didn't help himself when he said to the woman "Sorry about your wait.", apparently she went nuts

 

[PaulB]

A penguin goes in to a pub and asks the barman, 'Has my brother been in?' and the barman says, 'What does he look like?'

 

[Mugshot]

I'll share another inappropriate things to say to a customer already on the edge true story. Working in a bathroom showroom back in the days when you had more choice of colours than just white;

Customer - I've got a problem with the bathroom suite I've had delivered
Phil (we'll call him Phil cos that's his name) - Ok, what seems to be the problem?
Customer - The toilet is white, as I ordered, but the basin and pedestal are cream.
Phil - Oh right, ok, I'm very sorry about that. I'll phone our warehouse and we'll get that sorted out ASAP for you.
Customer - But they've been fitted.
Phil - Pardon?
Customer - The plumber has fitted them!!
Phil - Why did your plumber fit them if they're different colours?
Customer - BECAUSE HE DIDN'T NOTICE!!!!!!
Phil, Wow, really? It's a good job he's not an electrician!

Pandemonium!!

 

[JtB]

Which Tyler led the Pedants' Revolt..........

Too intellectual for me, had to Google it to get it.

 

[glenn forger]

I went in the butcher's, I said "Have you got a sheep's head?"

He said "No, it's the way I part my hair".

 

[Hitchington]

What did O say to Q

"Your flies are undone"

 

[Profpointy]

A penguin goes in to a pub and asks the barman, 'Has my brother been in?' and the barman says, 'What does he look like?'

Reminds me of the story of Spike Milligan meeting Harry Secombe for the first time when they were artillerymen during the War. Spike's cannon had been accidentally rolled down a hill past where Secombe was stting so Spike asks "Have you seen my gun?" Secombe replies "what colour was it".

Start of the great comedy troup