swee'pea99
Legendary Member
Took my Pirate GCSEs. I got seven Cs.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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M.I.5 had a vacancy. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists For the final test, the M.I.5 agents took one of them to a large metal door and handed her a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your partner sitting in a chair. Kill him!"
The woman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my husband." The agent said, "Then you're not the right person for this job."
The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the woman came out with tears in her eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my husband." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home."
Finally, it was the third womans turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "The gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your partner sitting in a chair. Kill him!"
The woman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my husband." The agent said, "Then you're not the right person for this job."
The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the woman came out with tears in her eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my husband." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home."
Finally, it was the third womans turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "The gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
They don't make 'em like that anymore.
To: The Social Security Commissioner
Dear Commissioner,
My name is Dave Smith and I live on First Street. I would like to present before you the following story:
'Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had a 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father came to visit a number of times, and suddenly he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's wife. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
All at once, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.'
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours,
David Smith
Dear Commissioner,
My name is Dave Smith and I live on First Street. I would like to present before you the following story:
'Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had a 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father came to visit a number of times, and suddenly he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's wife. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
All at once, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.'
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours,
David Smith
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
That could almost have been Bill Wyman, whose son (according to wikipedia) was married to Mandy Smith's mum.
raleighnut
Legendary Member
- Location
- One of the 'Elite'
Hey Time Vine delivers a great 'one-liner' .........................................................Trouble is you have to sit through over an hour to hear it.
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
Try and find a good one here http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html
They don't translate to text all that well without the visual cues, timing and sympathetic audience.
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wheresthetorch
Dreaming of Celeste
- Location
- West Sussex
A number of those were actually Tommy Cooper's.
jayonabike
Powered by caffeine & whisky
- Location
- Hertfordshire
I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night.
I've never run so far in all my life.
I've never run so far in all my life.
On the farm lived a Chicken and a Donkey, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!
Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the Farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the Farmer's new Z-3 silver BMW.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car and sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the Donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the Chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the Chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the Farmer's car, the Chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the Donkey!
Happy and proud, the Chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the Farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, would you believe, the Chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the Donkey to save his life! The Donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the Chicken to grab his Willie and he would then lift him out of the pit. The Chicken got a Good grip, and the Donkey-pulled him up and out, saving his life.
And the moral of the story?
When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick.
One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!
Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the Farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the Farmer's new Z-3 silver BMW.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car and sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the Donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the Chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the Chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the Farmer's car, the Chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the Donkey!
Happy and proud, the Chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the Farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, would you believe, the Chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the Donkey to save his life! The Donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the Chicken to grab his Willie and he would then lift him out of the pit. The Chicken got a Good grip, and the Donkey-pulled him up and out, saving his life.
And the moral of the story?
When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick.
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones
Trombones
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
When Watership Down was released back in the late 70's, our local butchers shop (along with a fair few others I guess) had a push on rabbit meat with a sign reading "You've Seen The Film, Now Eat The Cast."
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
What's orange and sounds like a carrot?
