Not bad but … keep up at the back !
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey? He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?" And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey? He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?" And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
[QUOTE 3933729, member: 45"]©1974[/QUOTE]
Ronnie Corbett?
The final question was "Would you like to play around?" as she unzipped the wetsuit.
Ronnie Corbett?
The final question was "Would you like to play around?" as she unzipped the wetsuit.
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
[QUOTE 3933729, member: 45"]©1974[/QUOTE]
OK grandad.
It's new to the thread and to the folk born post '74.
OK grandad.
It's new to the thread and to the folk born post '74.
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
What? Both of them?OK grandad.
It's new to the thread and to the folk born post '74.
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
[QUOTE 3934327, member: 45"]....who don' t have Dave...[/QUOTE]
Who's Dave?
Is he a friend of Ronnie Pickering?
Who's Dave?
Is he a friend of Ronnie Pickering?
Maverick Goose
A jumped up pantry boy, who never knew his place
- Location
- A champagne supernova in the sky
If a man says something and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Two Irish builders (Paddy and Shamus) are seated either side of a
table in a rough pub in Belfast when a well-dressed man enters, orders
a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation
of the suit.
Paddy: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
Paddy: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for
the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at
the urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better
of the builder.
Paddy: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Paddy: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?
Paddy: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Paddy: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have
a large garden.
Paddy - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have
a large garden then you have a large house?
Paddy: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?
Paddy: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Paddy:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Paddy: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Paddy: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Paddy: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Shamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Paddy - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Shamus: - What's that then?
Paddy: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Shamus: - Nope.
Paddy: - Well then, you're a self-gratification artist!
table in a rough pub in Belfast when a well-dressed man enters, orders
a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation
of the suit.
Paddy: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
Paddy: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for
the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at
the urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better
of the builder.
Paddy: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Paddy: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?
Paddy: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Paddy: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have
a large garden.
Paddy - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have
a large garden then you have a large house?
Paddy: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?
Paddy: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Paddy:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Paddy: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Paddy: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Paddy: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Shamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Paddy - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Shamus: - What's that then?
Paddy: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Shamus: - Nope.
Paddy: - Well then, you're a self-gratification artist!
Mark1978
Veteran
- Location
- Shouldham, West Norfolk
A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" ...... POOF
He disappeared without a tres.
(Thats a really good Juan)
He disappeared without a tres.
(Thats a really good Juan)
Maverick Goose
A jumped up pantry boy, who never knew his place
- Location
- A champagne supernova in the sky
The England Rugby team.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 miles from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 miles away.
He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive even further away,
turn right,
then left, past the bridge,
then right again
20 miles down the motorway
and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes",
the wife answers,
"Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered,
"Put the little sod on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 miles away.
He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive even further away,
turn right,
then left, past the bridge,
then right again
20 miles down the motorway
and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes",
the wife answers,
"Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered,
"Put the little sod on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
No good, but very funny!
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
A man walked into a bar...
,,,and he stayed there my whole childhood :-(
,,,and he stayed there my whole childhood :-(
Maverick Goose
A jumped up pantry boy, who never knew his place
- Location
- A champagne supernova in the sky
A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
