Any good jokes ... ?

[Silver Fox]

My girlfriend told me she wanted a breast enlargement operation. I told her she didn't need any plastic surgery, all she had to do was roll up a bundle of toilet paper and rub it on her chest daily for the next twelve months.

"Will it make my breasts bigger" she asked.

"Well it's worked wonders on your arse" I told her.

 

[Silver Fox]

The BBC are not showing live coverage of Vidal Sassoon's funeral.

Apparently they're only showing the highlights.

 

[PaulB]

Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them.

 

[PBancroft]

What does God call his nose?

God knows.

 

[Smokin Joe]

The BBC are not showing live coverage of Vidal Sassoon's funeral.

Apparently they're only showing the highlights.

His final parting was a sorry one.

 

[thom]

His final parting was a sorry one.

It was sad to see his life cut short.

 

[sdr gb]

I've just heard that in his will, my grandad has left me the wig making machine that he used to make toupees for all our relatives.

It's a family heirloom.

 

[thom]

Why didn't the liquid underpant bomb go off ?
Because it was a damp squib.

 

[thom]

How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?


Caerphilly

 

[Leedsbusdriver]

Quasimodo retires so the bishop of Notre Dame advertises for a new bell ringer. An armless man shows up, says he can do the job, and persuades the bishop to let him demonstrate. They go up to the bell tower where the man head-butts the bell to make it ring. The bishop is amazed but when the man tries to ring the bell a second time he slips and falls over the edge of the tower to his death.

The bishop runs down the tower stairs to find that a crowd has gathered around the dead man. A policeman asks: "Do you know this man's name?"
The bishop replies: "No but his face rings a bell"

 

[Leedsbusdriver]

A young boy comes home from school and his mother says,
"What did you do today?"
The boy replies, "oh the usual. I got an "A" in spelling
and I had sex with my English teacher."
His mother, aghast, doesn't know what to do. She says
angrily, "Go in and tell your father what you just told me!"
The boy goes to his father and says, "Gee, mom sure is mad."
The father says, "Why now?"
"I think she's mad because I had sex with my English teacher."
The father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a
nudge and a wink and says, "Congratulations son! I'll tell
you what-let's go out and celebrate. We'll have some ice cream
and then I'll buy you a new bike."
The boy says, "The ice cream sounds great, but can we hold
off on the bike? My A$s is killing me."

 

[Rob500]

Two Ronnies Mastermind sketch. Cracks me up everytime.

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0C59pI_ypQ

 

[Leedsbusdriver]

A woman goes to her Doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well" says the Doc "I can do the facelift in 2 operations, 3 weeks apart, then you'll have to come back in 6 months for a follow-up appointment."
"Oh no!" the woman replies "I want it all done in one go, I don't want to have to keep coming back."
The Doc thinks for a minute then suggests "There is this brand new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a slight turn, and it pulls the skin upwards so that they disappear."
"That's exactly what I want!" exclaims the woman "Let's do that."
Four months later she comes back, and charges into the Doctor's office with a paper bag over her head.
"Well, how's the new procedure holding up?" the Doc asks. "Terrible!" the woman sobs. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made!"
"Why, what's wrong?" he asks. "Wrong? Just look at these awful saggy bags under my eyes!" she hollers, removing the bag.
"Good grief!" the Doc retorts "Those aren't bags you silly woman! - those are your boobs!.....
and if you don't slow down and leave that flippin' screw alone, pretty soon you're going to have a beard!"

 

[Leedsbusdriver]

While waiting just outside of town, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK?" the officer asks. "These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time".
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

 

[Rob500]

A man goes to the dentist and asks, "How much is it to get a mouthload of teeth pulled out?"

"£750", replies the dentist.

"What?", says the man in total shock, "£750?"

"Oh aye", continues the dentist, "That sort of thing will take many treatments over many, many visits. There's a lot of pain killing injections and after treatment pain killing tablets to be paid for as well."

"Look", says the man, "I'm desparate here. £750? Is there nothing cheaper?"

"Well", replies the dentist, "There's this for £300. Get the teeth pulled over 2 visits. You get the pain killing injections but not the after treatment pain relief."

"300 quid", the man says, "I'm in dire straits here mate. Is there nothing you can do for me?"

The dentist goes on, "For £60 you can get them all yanked out at once. There's no pain killing injections or any after care. There's blood everywhere and the pain is horrendous."

"Right", muses the man, "£60, loads of blood and horrendous pain. That's dead on", he continues, "book the wife in for next Tuesday."