Any good jokes ... ?

[swee'pea99]

As seen on Facebook the other day...it read...
'I realise this isnt really a re-homing site but i'm desperate. The wife has developed an allergy to our beloved spaniel bitch. We are desperate to know she'll go to a decent clean and loving home....her name is Judy, she's 43 and......

Brings to mind the famous ad: "Bachelor with 40 acres of excellent land would like to make acquaintance of lady with tractor; matrimony in mind. Please send picture of tractor," - from Indiana Evening Gazette,1957.

 

[ufkacbln]

In the Garden of Eden, Adam is lonely and tells God that this is the case.

The Lord thinks about this fr a whils and decides to kill two birds with one stone. He could also solve the problem of havingto create lots of people himself... so he creates Eve

The Lord introduces them and Adam has no idea what to do

So the Lord talked to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to talk to each other so I want you to talk to her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is talking?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who sat down with Eve and they talked. A few minutes later, Adam smiled and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."


The Lord then called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"

 

[Hitchington]

My dog won't play fetch with my frying-pan.

It must be non-stick

 

[tyred]

My girlfriend asked me to say something dirty so I said Volkswagen Golf Turbodiesel.

 

[welsh dragon]

2 blondes fall down a deep hole.

1st blonde. " it's really dark down here".

2nd blonde. " is it ?. I can't see a thing".

 

[vernon]

A woman appeared in court charged with attacking her husband with several of his guitars.

The judge asked: "First offender"

The defendant answered: "No. First a Gibson then a Fender"

 

[simon the viking]

A woman appeared in court charged with attacking her husband with several of his guitars.

The judge asked: "First offender"

The defendant answered: "No. First a Gibson then a Fender"

A bloke told he was going to hit me over the head with the neck of his guitar...... I said is that a fret

 

[PeteXXX]

Bloody unsolicited telephone calls... There's companies now ringing me up claiming I've been mis-sold TDi.

 

[john59]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

 

[vernon]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

I'd submit that joke for carbon dating if I were you.

 

[Profpointy]

I'd submit that joke for carbon dating if I were you.

yebbutt wasn't that the "funniest joke ever" according to some scientific analysis or other.

 

[Scoosh]

yebbutt wasn't that the "funniest joke ever" according to some scientific analysis or other.

No.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

 

[Chromatic]

View attachment 105429

Nicked from another forum:
I hear that Chris Robshaw has opted not to take the speed awareness course....he's been told just to take the three points.....

 

[machew]

'Talk dirty to me,' she begged. 'Alright,' he said, leaning closer, 'Volkswagen diesel . .'