Any good jokes ... ?

[john59]

An Irish farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.


In court the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.


“Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, I'm fine?” asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: ”Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...”


“I didn't ask for any details”, the solicitor interrupted. ”Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'”


Paddy said, ”Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...”


The solicitor interrupted again and said,”Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: ”I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.”
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin.' I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.


Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.


Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feelin'?”


“Now wot da fock would you say?”

 

[Moon bunny]

True fact: Eversweet Haulage of Leighlinbridge had an article in the Irish Times complaining how when someone tried to find their web address, all they could get on google was page after page starting:

An Irish farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company....

 

[TVC]

Find out your porn name by looking at the titles of those videos you made when you were young and gullible.

 

[TVC]

Find your dolphin name by rubbing a balloon with a wet finger.

 

[Hitchington]

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."
A time traveller walks into a bar.

 

[Moon bunny]

I have just farted so loudly and for so long that my voice recognition software wrote a Daily Mail column.

 

[Hitchington]

Why do socialists always win running races?

Because they're quickest on their Marx.

 

[TVC]

 

[MiK1138]

On a visit to Disney World i got talking to an American, "we americans are so inivative" he said, "look at this place this was once all swamps, then someone had the vision to spend millions of $ to make it into the tourist attraction you see today"." Aye no bad" says I " but we Scots are more inivative than that", "well how do you figure my Scatch friend " says he, " well" i replied "1 day a Scot stood on the banks of Loch Ness as cried " WTF was that?"

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a 10 pence piece. Suddenly he starts choking, going blue in the face.

The dad realises the boy has swallowed the coin, starts patting him on the back, but nothing happens - he starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, across to the man and child.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully undoes his trousers and pulls them down. She then pulls down his pants and takes hold of the boy's testicles She starts to squeeze them, gently at first and then ever more firmly. She twists them around each other and then suddenly does a downward vicious yank – almost pulling them off.

The boy immediately gasps and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue."

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

I was playing Monopoly with the kids the other day and I nearly went bankrupt. Luckily I was the banker so I just took all their money and paid myself a huge bonus.

"Help teach kids how Government works by simply taking all their sweets off them and telling them to fark off."

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

On a visit to Disney World i got talking to an American, "we americans are so inivative" he said, "look at this place this was once all swamps, then someone had the vision to spend millions of $ to make it into the tourist attraction you see today"." Aye no bad" says I " but we Scots are more inivative than that", "well how do you figure my Scatch friend " says he, " well" i replied "1 day a Scot stood on the banks of Loch Ness as cried " WTF was that?"

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlcuV_Dojwg

 

[john59]

Ireland in the 1870's. Pat and Mick can't find any work so,along with lots of their compatriots they set off to America. On arrival in New York, as hard as they try they still can't find any jobs. Then they hear about these "Wagon Trains" heading West. So, as Pat said "What've we got to lose?" they decide to join one.
They arrive in a "Wild West" town and again there's no real jobs for them. Wondering around they see the saloon and decide to share a beer. On the wall behind the bar they see a sign, "$10 a scalp".
'What's a scalp?" asks Mick and the bar tender explains that after shooting a "Red Injun" you take his scalp bring it back as proof and there's a $10 reward.
Mick says to Pat, 'You were a good shot when we were on the farm so...' And Pat agrees. The bartender lends them a rifle - for $10 - and off onto the prairie they go.
After wondering for a while, Mick spots an 'injun' and Pat promptly shoots him and Mick takes his scalp saying' 'That's paid for the rifle anyway so lets go and get some more'.
They manage to kill and scalp a couple more 'injuns' and Mick said that the bartender would be surprised when they got back. Then another 'injun' appeared and Pat took a shot but only managed to wing him. The 'injun' carried on running down through the trees and into a long valley. Mick and Pat in hot pursuit. Finally, Pat stood stock still and shot again. This time the 'injun' dropped. They both ran down and Mick started to scalp.
Just then, Pat looked up and saw hundreds of 'injuns' on the hillside watching and he turned to Mick and said, 'Don't look now Mick but we're gonna be millionaires!'

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

 

[swansonj]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

I can pinpoint almost to the day the day that I first heard that joke. 1980, December 29 or 30. My school/old boys drama club's home-grown Christmas pantomime - I was on the stage crew. I remember it so vividly because it took my younger self three or four hearings to get it.