Any good jokes ... ?

[Dave7]

Fred was sitting at the bar, staring thoughtfully at his drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks, whatcha going to do about it?"

Fred burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Fred says. "I'm a
complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I took a cab home and left my wallet in it.

Then I found my wife in bed with my best friend….. and then my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;

Then you show up and drink my poison!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[ufkacbln]

A guy visits Amsterdam and whilst there meets and fall in love with a young lady. He moves in with her and gets a job, which means he is out all day and the girlfriend is lonely. She asks if he will buy her a pet.
"Sure" he says, "What sort of pet do you want?"
"I want something typical of Holland" she replies.

Next day he goes into town and finds a pet shop.
"I want a pet for my girlfriend - typical of Holland"
The shopkeeper scratches his head and says " mmmmm - can't think what - but I have some lovely French Poodle pups"
"No thanks" says the man, and leaves.

At next pet shop he asks the same question.
The shop owner is just as puzzled and says "Can't think what to suggest - but I have some wonderful German Shepherd dog pups"

"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves somewhat down-hearted.

At the next shop, he asks the same question, and again, the shopkeeper is perplexed.
"Something typical of Holland??? No, I can't think of anything - but how about these lovely Brazilian parakeets?"

"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves even more worried than before.

At the last petshop in Amsterdam, he goes in, asks the same question, and gets a similar answer.
"I have some beautiful Irish Setter puppies"

"No, thanks" says the man, and leaves the shop. He turns to look in the window as he leaves, and sees a gorgeous cat sunning itself in the corner.

He dashes back and asks the shopkeeper.............................................................................


EXCUSE ME...............HOW DUTCH IS THAT MOGGIE IN THE WINDOW ?

 

[Hitchington]

How can you tell if it's a folksinger at the door?

He can't find the right key, and he doesn't know when to come in.

 

[Hitchington]

As "Our Cilla" is now "God's Cilla", can we expect to see her obliterating Tokyo any day soon?

 

[glenn forger]

My new thesaurus is rubbish. Not only that, it's rubbish.

 

[Moon bunny]

Did you hear about the man who floated on his back while posting bad things on the internet?

He was a dead sea troll.

 

[Maverick Goose]

What happened to the chameleon who couldn't change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction.

 

[PaulB]

I dropped a couple of 't's into my beer last night. It certainly made it better.

 

[theclaud]

She decided to teach postcolonial theory instead of seventeenth-century poetry.

Because, well, you know, easier Said than Donne.

 

[Hitchington]

She decided to teach postcolonial theory instead of seventeenth-century poetry.

Because, well, you know, easier Said than Donne.

I sah-eed what you did there.

 

[john59]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's pissed.'

 

[Inertia]

CLOWNS DIVORCE:

CUSTARDY BATTLE​

You were ahead of your time! Number 9

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927

 

[TVC]

Against my wishes my wife wants to buy us a hammock. I think she'll find I'm not that easily swayed.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

How can you tell if it's a folksinger at the door?

He can't find the right key, and he doesn't know when to come in.

The other version is "How do you know when a drummer is at the door?"
He keeps knocking out of time/the knocking speed up and you have to tell him to come in three times

 

[screenman]

When my mobile provider said I'll get unlimited calls and texts with my new mobile contract, I didn't realise it would be from PPI insurance claim companies.

I was having a stroll through the cemetery yesterday when I came across some council workers digging up a grave.
Being the nosy person I am, I went over and said, "What's going on?"
The guy in the hole said, "We're exhuming this body."
"Oh, is it part of some on-going murder investigation?" I asked.
"No," he replied, "the government have deemed him fit for work."