Any good jokes ... ?

[Drago]

Eskimo breaks down in his car, calls the AA.

A little while later the bloke arrives, checks the car and says " you've blown a seal."

The Eskimo says, "mind your own bloody business and concentrate on the car."

 

[ufkacbln]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.........
It's just Mozart decomposing."

Not a joke, but a favourite Monty Python song

 

[slowwww]

A mate of mine has become addicted to drinking brake fluid.

I challenged him about this, but he's told me he can stop at any time.

 

[raleighnut]

A mate of mine has become addicted to drinking brake fluid.

I challenged him about this, but he's told me he can stop at any time.

Austrian wine?

 

[Supersuperleeds]

Australian Cricket

 

[john59]

My wife found out that our dog (a Miniature Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet's clinic. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the Chemist and get some “Veet for men" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.



She went to the chemist and bought some "Veet for men" hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist told her, “If you're husband is going to use this under his arms, tell him not to use deodorant, and if he is using it on his legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."



She replied, "Well actually, I'm not getting this for my husband, If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer."



“Well, in that case - stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”

 

[Smokin Joe]

Like most liberals, I will do anything for the working classes, anything - apart from mix with them.

 

[Hitchington]

Any chance of translating that for us ordinary un-street folks, blud?

Sorry! (see TC's definition)

 

[vernon]

Q. What do you call an Australian who knows what to do with a bat?

A. A vet.

 

[screenman]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
A 70-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 70-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing ...'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied,'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[Scoosh]

A 70-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

Hmmm … and hmmm …

 

[screenman]

Hmmm … and hmmm …

Sorry, I never check so if anyone wants me to keep posting jokes they may get a few they have seen before.

 

[ufkacbln]

OT on the sperm count

One of my tasks when I was a Junior was to accept sperm samples


About a third of the samples were rejected because as opposed to providing a "direct sample". a condom had been used, with the spermicide was giving skewed results

 

[john59]

The Catholic Parrots


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment......

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying.... That phrase... In no time..'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution..'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house..... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

 

[Arjimlad]

I heard that their coach put some syrup of figs into the Australian cricket team's morning coffee. It was a last ditch attempt to get them more runs.