Moon bunny
Judging your grammar
- Location
- Basking in my own brilliance.
CLOWNS DIVORCE:
CUSTARDY BATTLE
CUSTARDY BATTLE
Last edited by a moderator:
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
I was in the supermarket earlier and they had started selling Halloween costumes already. My wife was taking ages picking anything so I turned to her and said.
"Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right here I am stuck in the Lidl with you."
I was on my way to work this morning when I saw a pheasant, a grouse and a partridge all dressed up as clowns.
I thought to myself, "They're game for a laugh."
"Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right here I am stuck in the Lidl with you."
I was on my way to work this morning when I saw a pheasant, a grouse and a partridge all dressed up as clowns.
I thought to myself, "They're game for a laugh."
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
A quick quiz… Who said…
1. We shall fight on the beaches.”
2. “Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly.’
3. “Defeat is disgraceful.”
Answers:
1. Winston Churchill
2. JFK
3. Nelson Mandela's chiropodist
1. We shall fight on the beaches.”
2. “Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly.’
3. “Defeat is disgraceful.”
Answers:
1. Winston Churchill
2. JFK
3. Nelson Mandela's chiropodist
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" She snorted.
"You don't have any arms either!" Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said.... "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" She snorted.
"You don't have any arms either!" Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said.... "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off.
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off.
ayceejay
Guru
- Location
- Rural Quebec
Ah the chiropodist must be a Kaffir eh TC?
Aperitif
Meme bar
- Location
- ...I don't have much idea - really.
Knowledge is power!I'd say it's gone all 1970s in here again, but I think it's more like 1950s.
Why do bicycles fall over?
Because they are two tyred.
How do you cure a headache?
Put your head through a window and the pane will disappear.
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
I wouldn't use that term...
ayceejay
Guru
- Location
- Rural Quebec
But the language suggested that is what you meant Bwana
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
Bollocks
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.........
It's just Mozart decomposing."
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.........
It's just Mozart decomposing."
The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity..
Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Sallies?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the Sally rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken Sally rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated Sally rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity..
Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Sallies?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the Sally rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken Sally rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated Sally rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
Why does Snoop Dogg carry around an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle
Fo' Drizzle
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
Any chance of translating that for us ordinary un-street folks, blud?
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
"shizzle" is a word Snoop Dogg uses - to mean I concur or that is good - "Fo' shizzle" basically means "for sure".
I guess the joke is shizzle sounds like drizzle?
Talking of snoop dog...
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur1N3UyT1lE
