Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
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Reminds me of the Terry Pratchett book "Truckers" where the escapees are trying to drive a truck
They come across a sign saying"Road works".... it didn't
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions.
Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions.
My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? and Where is Sasha?
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions.
Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions.
My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? and Where is Sasha?
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
Not a joke.... but this had me in stitches
Fun starts about 4:15 in... safe for work by the way
Fun starts about 4:15 in... safe for work by the way
jayonabike
Powered by caffeine & whisky
- Location
- Hertfordshire
I was really enjoying my holiday in France this year, sampling some great culture and wonderful food and drink.
It was okay until I ordered a beer in a roadside bar, had a swig and gagged.
I said to the barman, "What the hell is this?"
He replied, "Fosters."
I took it outside and threw it into the road.
I'd just like to say sorry to the bloke on the bike with the yellow shirt I accidentally soaked.
It was okay until I ordered a beer in a roadside bar, had a swig and gagged.
I said to the barman, "What the hell is this?"
He replied, "Fosters."
I took it outside and threw it into the road.
I'd just like to say sorry to the bloke on the bike with the yellow shirt I accidentally soaked.
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
BIG PEOPLE WORDS!
A group of young pupils were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana.'
'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.'
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book,' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:
"Winnie the S**T"
A group of young pupils were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana.'
'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.'
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book,' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:
"Winnie the S**T"
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
I have 2 dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
to load your trouser pockets with Winnalot nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that condition because
I had been poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls
and a car hit me!
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
Dozy mare ....... why else would I buy dog food??
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
to load your trouser pockets with Winnalot nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that condition because
I had been poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls
and a car hit me!
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
Dozy mare ....... why else would I buy dog food??
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
Fred was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
He had several hundred young 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody? "
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody? "
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.....One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a ferrari.No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he build his best friend a castle.No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful." Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good." Last week on his birthday he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..." .All the 3 Ladies fainted
- Location
- Shrewsbury, Shropshire
799.2 - The tax accountant of the beast (shamelessly nicked from a previous thread on here 
)
)
- Location
- The TerrorVortex
