Any good jokes ... ?

[TwickenhamCyclist]

 

[slowwww]

A woman was home one afternoon when there was a knock on the door. She answered it to find the boss of the brewery where her husband worked standing there.
Him: "Mrs Slowwww, I'm very sorry but I have some dreadful news for you. There was an accident at work today and your husband fell into the brewing vessel and drowned."
Mrs Slowwww, understandably shaking with grief, “That’s terrible news…………but can you tell me, was he in any pain??”
Him: “ I don’t believe so, he got out for a wee three times”

 

[Salty seadog]

What's another word for thesaurus...?

 

[Salty seadog]

I've solved the problem of losing single socks in the wash and will thus make my fortune...... The availability of the lone sock so the errant one can be replaced......genius....I'm gonna sell them in packs of two...

 

[steve50]

Errm, ok.

 

[steve50]

I was in hospital yesterday getting a mole removed from my penis, the docs said it went well. But the RSPCA say if I do it again they will prosecute

 

[steve50]

 

[steve50]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.
So my wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! .............She'd better not S**T in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

 

[steve50]

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said .... 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart'.

 

[steve50]

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her bum.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge

 

[steve50]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

 

[steve50]

A blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed & said he wasn’t sure & asked for the 'wood' to be turned over, he sniffed again & said:
"You can't fool me, it’s an old sh!thouse door off a fishin’ boat!

 

[steve50]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and CheeseToastie, please?"

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

...
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties.You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

 

[steve50]

I went into the kitchen this morning and said to the wife, "Is that coffee I smell?" She said, "It is and you do."
My wife just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a Camel?" I said, "Feck off, it would take ages to get there on a Camel."
My wife said "those penis enlargement pills you are taking are working. You are a bigger prick today than you were yesterday"

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

...
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
Cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and
Got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook
But I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
Flew over. I looked up, and one of them sh*t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

 

[srw]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and CheeseToastie, please?"

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

...
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties.You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

There's a bunch of bunnies outside the gym I go to sometimes. Oddly enough, every time I go past them i think of this joke - it's that old.