Any good jokes ... ?

[Alex H]

An Aussie was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local Bottle Shop.

He placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

He stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous sheila in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in his passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in Barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
.
.
.

He thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

 

[machew]

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....

 

[screenman]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library, he asked a girl if he could sit beside her.

The girl replied in a loud voice " No I do not want to spend the night with you!"

All the people in the library stared at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and quickly moved to another seat.

After a couple of minutes the girl walked over to the mans table and said with a laugh, " I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking, I bet you feel very embarrassed, right!"

The man replied in a very loud voice "£500, for just one night!, no, I'm not paying you that much"

All the people in the library stared at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to the girl, "and I study law, and I know how to screw people"

 

[Rural Spaceman]

How do you get a duck to sing "Lovely Day" ? You put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

What's an ig?

An Eskimo's house without a toilet.

 

[Andrew_P]

Did you hear about the Woman with breasts on her back?

She looked a bit strange but she was great to dance with.

 

[Andrew_P]

I called 118 118 last night. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Enfield Herts."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Enfield," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
I hesitated with embarrassment , and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

 

[Andrew_P]

Someone e-mailed me this the other day:

N G B A

I thought it was bang out of order

 

[Andrew_P]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He says, "I think my friend is dead, what should I do?" The operator says "Calm down sir, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's a silence, then a gun shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says "OK, now what?"

 

[screenman]

My wife texted me this CAN YOU PICK ME UP FROM OUTSIDE THE SHOP, I texted back saying why are you shouting, she tested back saying it was because a bus was going past.

 

[john59]

The Indians on a the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environment Canada Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood

 

[john59]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

 

[Markymark]

Reminds me of this one which I am sure is not true...

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call

 

[Fnaar]

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

 

[benb]

Reminds me of this one which I am sure is not true...

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call

I really want that to be true, but having seen it crop up in several different variants, I am forced to conclude it is entirely made up.
Snopes agrees. http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp