Any good jokes ... ?

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Alex H

Legendary Member
Location
Alnwick
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there".

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."


"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Kevin".
 

LCpl Boiled Egg

Three word soundbite
Having lived a long and happy life, Bob's wife passes away. He calls his local paper and requests a notice be published in the paper informing people of the sad event.

He's told that adverts are charged at £1 a word and as Bob hasn't got a lot of money, he explains to the lady on the end of the phone that he can only afford to say "Doris is dead".

Hearing this, the lady takes pity on him, and says they are doing an offer this week - two words for the price of one.

"In that case," says Bob, "Can I put 'Doris is dead, Fiesta for sale'?"
 

Alex H

Legendary Member
Location
Alnwick
Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"This is Unit 12...we need to talk to the Sarge."

"This is the shift supervisor, go ahead."

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested her?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."
 

Alex H

Legendary Member
Location
Alnwick
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this!" and she goes downstairs.

She finally comes back up to bed and her husband asks, "The dog is STILL barking, what have you been doing down there?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"
 
I was lying in bed with my girlfriend last night. She was fast asleep so, for a laugh, I very gently removed her tampon and replaced it with a party popper, leaving the string hanging out.
Women! They've got no sense of humor have they!
 

threebikesmcginty

Corn Fed Hick...
Location
...on the slake
Doesn't get much funnier than this...

 
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