Any good jokes ... ?

[Alex H]

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
Welcome to Heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit Heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down and so on down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning . . . .

Today you voted.

 

[Dave7]

This guy gets run over by a huge red lorry.
He manages to get to his feet.........only to be run over by a huge yellow lorry.
He fights his way back up only to be run over by yet another red lorry
The policeman goes to visit his family and tells them..............."there's no easy way to say this"

 

[threebikesmcginty]

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
Welcome to Heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit Heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down and so on down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning . . . .

Today you voted.

The punchline's the first sentence!!

 

[Alex H]

British Telecom needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from England and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do
Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out
At end of the shift, the two English guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later Paddy and Mick, the Irish guys, came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Mick, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in." "The boss gasped, "Three? Those two English guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!!.

 

[Markymark]

Sorry it's a old one....

A guy was on holiday in Ireland. He stopped by a field and saw 2 guys. One dug a hole and the other filled it in. He saw this repeated a dozen times until curiosity got the better of him.

He walked up to the first guy and asked why they kept digging holes then immediately filling them back in.

'Oh' one replied, 'Paddy, who plants the trees, is having a day off work today.'

 

[raleighnut]

Bit like the roadpainter joke.

First day on the job Michael paints 2 miles of white lines
"Very good days work" says his boss
Second day he paints a mile of white lines.
"That's still a good day" says his boss
Third day he only paints half a mile
"What happened" says his boss
"Jayzus" says Michael "Its getting a long way back to the paintpot"

 

[Hitchington]

Surprise at the first Tory cabinet meeting that there's three empty seats. Turns out David Cameron has sacked Grant Shapps...

 

[TVC]

Last night I went to see a Polish Pink Floyd tribute band. They played The Wall in half the time.

 

[Dave7]

So......... these 5 women were haveing a group therapy session
Doctor to 1st woman........"Mary-you are obsessed with food.......you have even named your child Candy.

To 2nd woman.........Anne-you are obsessed with money.........you have even called your children Penny, Goldie & Frank.

To 3rd woman.......Joyce-your obsession is alcohol-you have even named your children Brandy & Sherry---you have even named the cat Whisky

To 4th woman.......June-your obsession is flowers........you have even named your children Rose & Poppy

At this point the 5th woman grabs her childs hand and says "come on Dick........this bloke talks rubbish. We'll pick up Fanny & Willy on the way home.

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

My yoga teacher died in the middle of a class. Still, look on the bright side, at least he died in his own arms.

 

[john59]

There are 2 prawns, one called Johnny and one called Christian. They're happy prawns, playing with their happy prawn friends. One day Johnny decides that he's bored, so he goes to see Cod. "Cod, I'm bored," says Johnny. "Please turn me into a great big shark!" So Cod waves his magic fin and turns Johnny into a shark. Johnny swims off and has a few fun weeks scaring all his little friends. But eventually they work out that this particular shark isn't going to eat them, so they start ignoring him. Johnny gets angry and (disturbed prawn that he is) starts eating them. At last, there is only Christian left, and Johnny wants to play with him. He goes to Christian's rock and says, "Christian, come out and play with me!" "Nononono, you're a big shark, you're going to eat me!" "No, I won't eat you, please come and play with me." "Nononono, you're a great big shark, you're going to eat me!" So Johnny swims off to see Cod. "Cod, I'm bored! All my friends are dead, and Christian won't play with me. Please turn me back into a prawn again." Cod says "OK, I think you've learned your lesson," waves his magic fin and Johnny is a prawn again. He swims off to see Christian. "Come out and play with me," he calls. "Nonono, you're a shark, you're going to eat me! To which Johnny replies..."No, it's OK! I've spoken to Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!"

 

[screenman]

Do you remember when:

A mouse was just small rodent.
A byte was something you took from an apple
A megabyte was a larger version of above
A monitor was someone who was in charge at school meal time
A mobile was something on a babies cot
A mouse mat was what Jerry wiped his feet on
A usb was what a dyslexic waited for then 3 would come at once
A server was the one who started the point in tennis
A hub was on your car
Ram was a male sheep
Sky was what you saw if you looked up while outside
An ipad was something you wore if you'd hurt your eye
A tablet was something you took for a headache
electric cars delivered milk

And ukip was something you did after a Sunday roast

if you do you probably weren't born this century.

 

[screenman]

Napoleon was at the head of his army when he shouted "HALT"



This poor bloke came running from miles away and Napoleon said "what do you want"



To which the bloke replied "I thought you wanted me"



Napoleon said I shouted "HALT"



I thought you shouted Walt

 

[screenman]

I met Phil Spectors brother Crispin the other day.

He's head of quality control at Walkers.

 

[raleighnut]

Do you remember when:

A mouse was just small rodent.
A byte was something you took from an apple
A megabyte was a larger version of above
A monitor was someone who was in charge at school meal time
A mobile was something on a babies cot
A mouse mat was what Jerry wiped his feet on
A usb was what a dyslexic waited for then 3 would come at once
A server was the one who started the point in tennis
A hub was on your car
Ram was a male sheep
Sky was what you saw if you looked up while outside
An ipad was something you wore if you'd hurt your eye
A tablet was something you took for a headache
electric cars delivered milk

And ukip was something you did after a Sunday roast

if you do you probably weren't born this century.

and- If something crashed it wasn't a little box of gubbins on/under the desk.