Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley...
"Tenpin?" she asked me. "Nah" I said, "It's permanent."
"Tenpin?" she asked me. "Nah" I said, "It's permanent."
It is not my intention to offend, however this may be a little irreverent, but it sure is funny. It is best read with a West Country accent.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY by PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;......
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right it was a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
As she toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY by PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;......
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right it was a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
As she toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
Last edited by a moderator:
Oldbloke
Guru
- Location
- Mayenne, France
Thanks @screenman , a cracker
subaqua
What’s the point
- Location
- Leytonstone
roses are brown
violets are brown
i went to Aldi
where flowers were marked down
violets are brown
i went to Aldi
where flowers were marked down
machew
Veteran
A cyclist got a puncture that he couldn't repair, so he decided to hitch-hike a lift home. A man driving a Ferrari pulled up and offered to tow the cyclist but wouldn't let him put the dirty bike in his car. Since the cyclist was tired and there were no other cars around, he agreed to being towed.
The Ferrari driver tied the bike to his car and then said to the cyclist; "OK, we're ready. If I drive too fast, ring the bell and I'll slow down."
He then set off but at the first set of traffic lights, a Porsche pulled up next to him.The Ferrari Driver instantly forgot about the cyclist tied to his car and started to race the Porsche. As they raced down the road, they went through a speed trap. The policeman with the speed gun radioed the officers further down the road and said; "You've got a Ferrari and a Porsche coming your way at over 100mph."
"100mph?! Isn't that the fastest speed ever recorded on this road?" the officers replied.
"Yeah" said the cop with the speed gun, "But get this. There's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to go past."
The Ferrari driver tied the bike to his car and then said to the cyclist; "OK, we're ready. If I drive too fast, ring the bell and I'll slow down."
He then set off but at the first set of traffic lights, a Porsche pulled up next to him.The Ferrari Driver instantly forgot about the cyclist tied to his car and started to race the Porsche. As they raced down the road, they went through a speed trap. The policeman with the speed gun radioed the officers further down the road and said; "You've got a Ferrari and a Porsche coming your way at over 100mph."
"100mph?! Isn't that the fastest speed ever recorded on this road?" the officers replied.
"Yeah" said the cop with the speed gun, "But get this. There's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to go past."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.
No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ar$e. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.
No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ar$e. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
I don't think you need to issue any sort of apology or raise any sort of defence.
derrick
The Glue that binds us together.
- Location
- On the edge of London
