Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
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Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
Transport for Scotland found over 200 dead crows on the M74 near Larkhall recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorry's, while only 2% were killed by cars.
Transport for Scotland then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry!"
Transport for Scotland then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry!"
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
I asked a North Korean how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better..
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better..
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
An old man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of the morning.
He replied, “I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.
The sceptical officer asked, “Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?". He replied, “My wife.”
He replied, “I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.
The sceptical officer asked, “Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?". He replied, “My wife.”
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Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night..
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess
who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So--- Here I am!
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night..
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess
who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So--- Here I am!
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
Dyslexia cost me my job in IT.
Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files'.
Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files'.
We do the... One cuts and the other chooses.
Roadhump
Time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted
- Location
- The flatlands of South West Lancs
My wife really had a go at me today for spending so much time reading books. She said, "You frustrate me so much, you really damage my self esteem sitting there reading your books all the time. You think more of your books than you do of me".
I thought I had better make it up to her, so this evening I took her for a Kindle lit dinner.
I thought I had better make it up to her, so this evening I took her for a Kindle lit dinner.
jhawk
Veteran
- Location
- New Brunswick, Canada
I went bobsleighing last night!
I killed seven Bobs..
I killed seven Bobs..
