Andy_R
Hard of hearing..I said Herd of Herring..oh FFS..
- Location
- County Durham
Never trust atoms....they make up everything
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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ArDee
Guru
- Location
- North of Buntingford, Hetfordshire
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in", says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven", says the MP.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful; but, I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand", stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning... ...Today you've voted."
"Welcome to heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in", says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven", says the MP.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful; but, I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand", stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning... ...Today you've voted."
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
Just received from my sis:
A DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there....."
The DEA officer exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this f*****g badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? ...... Do you understand?"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge! Show him your f*****g BADGE........ !"
A DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there....."
The DEA officer exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this f*****g badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? ...... Do you understand?"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge! Show him your f*****g BADGE........ !"
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladiesand Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from LondonHeathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relaxand..... OH, MY GOD !
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled....
'That’s nothing ......... you should see the back of mine!!!'
'Ladiesand Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from LondonHeathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relaxand..... OH, MY GOD !
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled....
'That’s nothing ......... you should see the back of mine!!!'
Last edited by a moderator:
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your
obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered... 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Let’s pick Willy up from school and go home.'
mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your
obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered... 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Let’s pick Willy up from school and go home.'
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for they're computer.
The husband types in "mypenis".
the wife falls to the ground laughing because the computer says
"Error. Not long enougn."
The husband types in "mypenis".
the wife falls to the ground laughing because the computer says
"Error. Not long enougn."
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
A little boy asked his mother how people are born. His mother said
"Well, there was adam and eve. They made babies who grew up and they had babies and so it continued.
The boy then went to his father and asked him how people are born.
HIs father said "we were monkeys in the begining, then we evolved and turned into the people we are today.
The boy ran back to his mother and said "you lied to me". "No" his mother said. "Your father was talking about his side of the family".
"Well, there was adam and eve. They made babies who grew up and they had babies and so it continued.
The boy then went to his father and asked him how people are born.
HIs father said "we were monkeys in the begining, then we evolved and turned into the people we are today.
The boy ran back to his mother and said "you lied to me". "No" his mother said. "Your father was talking about his side of the family".
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father
and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed
to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted
the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
"but in just a few years, my father will die and I will
inherit $200 million."
Intrigued and impressed, the woman asked for his
business card; three weeks later she became his
stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed
to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted
the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
"but in just a few years, my father will die and I will
inherit $200 million."
Intrigued and impressed, the woman asked for his
business card; three weeks later she became his
stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
I asked a proton if it was sure about its identity.
'Yep, I'm positive,' was the reply.
