Any good jokes ... ?

[TwickenhamCyclist]

So I went to the doctors the other day and because I was new to the practice the doctor said I'm going to have to do some routine basic health checks. She seemed really nice and was really good looking which made it all the worse when, after listening to my chest with her stethoscope, she said I'm terribly sorry but I'm afraid your going to have to stop masterbating. I was devastated, and to be honest, a little embarrassed. I asked why and she said because I am trying to examine you...

 

[john59]

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied,
"Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[screenman]

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why do you think that ?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says

"stit ruoy su wohs".

 

[JtB]

How come the letters arn't back to front too?

 

[screenman]

How come the letters arn't back to front too?

Still waiting for the punchline

 

[postman]

There was this Spanish football club that spent £999 million pounds on winning a silver pot.

 

[screenman]

A First Class passenger, an attorney, boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

 

[simon the viking]

I went to a Restaurant run by Rhino's............ £200 for a meal............. they know how to charge

 

[screenman]

An Irish guy goes into the confessional booth after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. To his utter amazement...

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap,

cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side"

 

[john59]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, ‘I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.'

Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest,
Meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him Spike!' See - Men just don't listen!

 

[smokeysmoo]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[john59]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman...'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

king of Spain has abdicated... So Another Juan bites the dust...

What did the Spanish fireman call his children?
Hose A and Hose B

I'll get me coat

 

[PeteXXX]

What's red and invisible?











No tomatoes....

 

[morrisman]

I bought myself a racing snail.
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster.
If anything it just made it more sluggish