Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Profpointy
Legendary Member
Continuing screenman's flying them, there was a good one in Frank Muir's memoires. A pal of his got a job as an airline pilot just after the war, and he'd not yet got his official company uniform so was in his everyday suit. He'd sit in the passenger area, then a little before departure, he'd loudly announce "where the hell is the pilot? If he doesn't turn up in 5 minutes, I've flying the thing myself". Five minutes later, he'd announce "that's it, I'm not waiting any longer", and march up to the front and the plane would start up shortly afterwards !
Another of his japes was to walk down the aisle trailing a piece of string from the cockpit - which he'd hand to the most nervous looking passenger with the instruction - "I'm just going to the loo - would you mind holding this tight, and give it a tug if the nose drops too much ".
Another of his japes was to walk down the aisle trailing a piece of string from the cockpit - which he'd hand to the most nervous looking passenger with the instruction - "I'm just going to the loo - would you mind holding this tight, and give it a tug if the nose drops too much ".
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
Two wives go on a girls night out. On the way home much the worse for wear they're both busting for a P but there are no toilets open so they hop over the wall of a cemetery and squat behind a couple of gravestones.
Next morning one of the husbands phones the other and says, "That's the last time my wife goes out with yours, she came home with no knickers on". The other one says, "You think you've got problems mate, mine came in with a card stuck to her wotsit saying 'From the lads at the firestation, we'll never forget you"
Next morning one of the husbands phones the other and says, "That's the last time my wife goes out with yours, she came home with no knickers on". The other one says, "You think you've got problems mate, mine came in with a card stuck to her wotsit saying 'From the lads at the firestation, we'll never forget you"
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
A man walks into a cafe with a goldfish under his arm
He asks the owner “do you sell fish cakes?”
The owner says no
The man says “That’s a shame. It’s his birthday today.”
He asks the owner “do you sell fish cakes?”
The owner says no
The man says “That’s a shame. It’s his birthday today.”
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swee'pea99
Legendary Member
(Probably also as old as the hills...just in from my sis):
Senior trying to set a password
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
Senior trying to set a password
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
- Location
- Next door to Mr Benn at No 54
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
I took a short cut through the cemetery this morning and saw a man squatting behind a gravestone.
I said "Morning"
He said, "No, I'm having a sh!t"
ArDee
Guru
- Location
- North of Buntingford, Hetfordshire
Why do Fire Men have bigger Balls than Policemen?
They sell more tickets
They sell more tickets
ArDee
Guru
- Location
- North of Buntingford, Hetfordshire
A man boarded a plane with six children.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked "Are all of those children yours?"
"No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked "Are all of those children yours?"
"No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
Neymar goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England . They're sh*t and we can't be bothered".
Neymar looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Neymar goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows " Brazil 1 (Neymar 10 minutes) - England 0 "
He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now,let's see how he got on" They put the TV on. "Result from the Estadio Do Maracana : Brazil 1(Neymar 10 minutes) - England 1 (Rooney 89 minutes)." They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England !!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down" "Don't be stupid, you got a draw against England , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes"
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England . They're sh*t and we can't be bothered".
Neymar looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Neymar goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows " Brazil 1 (Neymar 10 minutes) - England 0 "
He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now,let's see how he got on" They put the TV on. "Result from the Estadio Do Maracana : Brazil 1(Neymar 10 minutes) - England 1 (Rooney 89 minutes)." They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England !!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down" "Don't be stupid, you got a draw against England , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes"
Poacher
Gravitationally challenged member
- Location
- Nottingham
A girl was walking through the woods when she saw a tiny man sitting on a rock, bent double with his knees drawn up, his hands clasped behind his head, and his forearms between his knees.
Despite her nervousness, she was consumed with curiosity, and asked him "Are you a goblin?".
"No" he answered without looking up, "I've got a headache".
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it's bloody impossible
