Any good jokes ... ?
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Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
I see the King of Spain has abdicated.
Another Juan bites the dust.
Another Juan bites the dust.
One day a Barnsley bloke decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and had the time of his life, until that is,the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, other than bananas and coconuts.
After four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She says, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when the cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes.. "You were really lucky to have a rowing boat washed up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" she says. "I made it out of drift wood and other materials I found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that wasn’t a problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, there’s a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to the correct temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make all this hardware."
The Barnsley lad’s stunned.
"Why don’t we row over to my place," she says. After a short time rowing, shedocks the boat at a small wharf.
The Barnsley lad looks to the shore and nearly falls out of the boat. Before him, he sees a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a treehouse.
As the woman ties up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the bloke from Barnsley can only stare, dumb struck. They walk into the house and she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take another drop of that coconut juice"
"It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a nice coconut whisky?"
He tries to hide his continued amazement and they sit down on her settee to talk..
After they’ve exchanged their individual survival stories the woman says, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
Now he’s no longer questioning anything, so the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise shell.
"This woman’s amazing," he muses. "What's next?" He goes back downstairs and she greets him wearing nothing but small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically placed, she smells faintly of gardenias. Then she beckons him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she says suggestively, slithering ever closer to him, "We've both been here for many months. You must have been lonely. I’m certain there's something you feel like right now, something you've been longing for, yes?" She stares directly into his eyes.
He simply can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..." he swallows excitedly as tears form in his eyes,
"You've made a chip pan?
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and had the time of his life, until that is,the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, other than bananas and coconuts.
After four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She says, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when the cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes.. "You were really lucky to have a rowing boat washed up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" she says. "I made it out of drift wood and other materials I found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that wasn’t a problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, there’s a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to the correct temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make all this hardware."
The Barnsley lad’s stunned.
"Why don’t we row over to my place," she says. After a short time rowing, shedocks the boat at a small wharf.
The Barnsley lad looks to the shore and nearly falls out of the boat. Before him, he sees a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a treehouse.
As the woman ties up the rowing boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the bloke from Barnsley can only stare, dumb struck. They walk into the house and she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take another drop of that coconut juice"
"It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a nice coconut whisky?"
He tries to hide his continued amazement and they sit down on her settee to talk..
After they’ve exchanged their individual survival stories the woman says, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
Now he’s no longer questioning anything, so the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise shell.
"This woman’s amazing," he muses. "What's next?" He goes back downstairs and she greets him wearing nothing but small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically placed, she smells faintly of gardenias. Then she beckons him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she says suggestively, slithering ever closer to him, "We've both been here for many months. You must have been lonely. I’m certain there's something you feel like right now, something you've been longing for, yes?" She stares directly into his eyes.
He simply can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..." he swallows excitedly as tears form in his eyes,
"You've made a chip pan?
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Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
"Who is he?", asked a passerby.
"Don't know but his face rings a bell...."
"Don't know but his face rings a bell...."
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes....
That's my favourite apart from mine, quality.
Cycleops
Legendary Member
- Location
- Accra, Ghana
An old sea dog was in court on a charge of buggery. As the evidence was given he developed a terrible cough.
The judge noticing this asked him if he would like to suck a Fishermans Friend. "No thanks your honour, I think I'm in enough trouble as it is!"
The judge noticing this asked him if he would like to suck a Fishermans Friend. "No thanks your honour, I think I'm in enough trouble as it is!"
mrcunning
Über Member
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife; "Notice anything different about me Margie?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope''. Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Should have bought a hat, Bert."
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife; "Notice anything different about me Margie?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope''. Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Should have bought a hat, Bert."
simon the viking
Guru
The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today.
“It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope............” said......
Juan, aged six.
“It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope............” said......
Juan, aged six.
mrcunning
Über Member
I just can't get excited about a sporting event where a government have spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation where drugs are rife and life expectation is low.....but enough of the commonwealth games in Glasgow...the World Cup starts tonight!!!!!
