threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
What's the fastest thing in the ocean?
A motorpike and sidecarp.
A motorpike and sidecarp.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
A Higgs Boson particle goes into a church.
The Priest stops it in the aisle and says "I'm sorry, we can't have your sort in here, you'll have to leave"
The Higgs Boson particle splutters the indignant reply, "B..b..but you can't have Mass without me?"
The Priest stops it in the aisle and says "I'm sorry, we can't have your sort in here, you'll have to leave"
The Higgs Boson particle splutters the indignant reply, "B..b..but you can't have Mass without me?"
Maverick Goose
A jumped up pantry boy, who never knew his place
- Location
- A champagne supernova in the sky
Heard on Radio 4 the other week-''Doing Lonesome George....I mean it's every taxidermist's dream''...
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits theresults with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant, twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits theresults with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant, twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
OP
OP
cisamcgu
Legendary Member
- Location
- Merseyside-ish
No idea...sorry ...A talent agent is sitting in his office, a family walks in...
OP
OP
cisamcgu
Legendary Member
- Location
- Merseyside-ish
"Let me google that for you ?"
Still none the wiser, sorry
Still none the wiser, sorry
glasgowcyclist
Charming but somewhat feckless
- Location
- Scotland
AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
You can wait for LMGTFY to finish, or you can click this link: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/The_Aristocrats
The line is the beginning of the joke, which is often told to be as vile and reprehensible as possible.
Enjoy!
The line is the beginning of the joke, which is often told to be as vile and reprehensible as possible.
Enjoy!
Correct. A bit of a 'right of passage' for comedians. In my opinion Gilbert Gottfried does it best...
Probably a better explanation - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats
****** Warning - If you do look it up be sure to wear your earphones as it is definitely not safe for work... or anywhere else for that matter!! ******
glasgowcyclist
Charming but somewhat feckless
- Location
- Scotland
I did that!
I read the first few (of the 20-odd) variations on the joke and still don't get it. Convoluted ramblings of varying degrees of rudeness, all with the same, meaningless punchline. Or is the joke the sheer irrelevance of it?
GC
You need to look into the history of it to understand/get it.
From wiki -
" an anti-joke. Steven Wright has likened it to a secret handshake among comedians, and it is seen as something of a game in which those who tell it try to top each other in terms of shock value. It is thought of as a badge of honor among expert comedians and is notoriously hard to perform successfully. It is rarely told the same way twice, often improvised."
There is also a film/documentary about it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(film)
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
How do you make a bandstand?
Take their chairs away.
Take their chairs away.
