swee'pea99
Legendary Member
"If I had all the money I've spent on drink...I'd spend it on drink." - Sir Henry (of Rawlinson's End)
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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"If I had all the money I've spent on drink...I'd spend it on drink." - Sir Henry (of Rawlinson's End)
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
glenn forger
Guest
Tommy Cooper, 1974
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
georginas dad
Über Member
- Location
- Frimley
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
Those new Dyson urinals are load of crap aren't they? I mean, they keep your cock warm alright, but the p**s gets blown everywhere...
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the 'back and beyond'.
As I was not familiar with the 'sticks', I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologised to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the 'back and beyond'.
As I was not familiar with the 'sticks', I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologised to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Bert was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs..
He kept records and any rooster not performingwent into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Bert's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Bert's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awardedold Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election,you can't always hear the bells.
He kept records and any rooster not performingwent into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Bert's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Bert's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awardedold Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election,you can't always hear the bells.
Maverick Goose
A jumped up pantry boy, who never knew his place
- Location
- A champagne supernova in the sky
Bloke with dogs:
"Gabriel, Raphael, no, no, no, RAPH, NO. GABRIEL, RAPHAEL, NO, NO, NO, NO, HERE, NO, NO, NO!"
They were no angels...
"Gabriel, Raphael, no, no, no, RAPH, NO. GABRIEL, RAPHAEL, NO, NO, NO, NO, HERE, NO, NO, NO!"
They were no angels...
Leedsbusdriver
Every breath leaves me one less to my last
- Location
- West Yorkshire
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful,
but, listen very, very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful,
but, listen very, very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
