Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
Has there been insanity in your family.
Yes Dr. My husband thinks he's the boss
Yes Dr. My husband thinks he's the boss
thom
____
- Location
- The Borough
The only concern I have with pension reform is if it leaves me with no penis.
Maverick Goose
A jumped up pantry boy, who never knew his place
- Location
- A champagne supernova in the sky
Heard this on Radio 4 the other week...''doing Lonesome George, I mean it's every taxidermist's dream''...
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
Arthur, age 92 and Emily, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Chemist.
Arthur suggests they go in.
Arthur addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the Owner?"
The Pharmacist answers: "Yes."
Arthur: "We're about to get married. Do you sell Heart Medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Arthur: "How about Medicine for Circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Arthur: "Medicine for Rheumatism, Scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Arthur: "Medicine for Memory Problems, Arthritis, Jaundices?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety ....the works!"
Arthur: "What about Vitamins, Sleeping Pills, Antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Arthur: "You sell Wheelchairs and Walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"
Arthur says to the Pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Chemist.
Arthur suggests they go in.
Arthur addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the Owner?"
The Pharmacist answers: "Yes."
Arthur: "We're about to get married. Do you sell Heart Medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Arthur: "How about Medicine for Circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Arthur: "Medicine for Rheumatism, Scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Arthur: "Medicine for Memory Problems, Arthritis, Jaundices?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety ....the works!"
Arthur: "What about Vitamins, Sleeping Pills, Antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Arthur: "You sell Wheelchairs and Walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"
Arthur says to the Pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told her, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty pounds per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" she asked.
"Well, eighty quid a visit, three times a week for a year, is £12,480. A barmaid cured me for £10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new Ducati."
"Is that so? " she said with a bit of an attitude, "And how, may I ask, did a barmaid cure you?"
"She told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't anyone under there now."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty pounds per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" she asked.
"Well, eighty quid a visit, three times a week for a year, is £12,480. A barmaid cured me for £10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new Ducati."
"Is that so? " she said with a bit of an attitude, "And how, may I ask, did a barmaid cure you?"
"She told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't anyone under there now."
Moon bunny
Judging your grammar
- Location
- Basking in my own brilliance.
It was the early 70s in Belfast, a big riot going on. One rioter was just going to throw a petrol bomb but the bomb was badly made and burning petrol went all down his mate's arm, a British soldier shot them both. Later the officer asked why he had shot someone who was injured and no threat. "But he had an armalite" replied the squaddy.
Guy goes into a shop and buys a Hamster, next morning it is dead
The shop replaces it, but thee same thing happens again.
After a week the shop keeper refuses to hand over any more, but also refuses to hand back the money, and leaves the guy with the hamsters
Upset customer demands what he is going to do with 7 dead hamsters
So the proprietor gives him a recipe for a preserve. He cooks it, tries it and it is awful, So he throws it into the garden.
Next morning, the garden is full of colourful flowers, unable to undrstand this the guy rings the pet shop proprietor who says..... it's obvious sir....................
They are Tulips from Hamster Jam
ArDee
Guru
- Location
- North of Buntingford, Hetfordshire
An old pilot goes for his medical so that he can keep his pilot’s licence.
At the end of the medical the doctor says to him you’re in perfect health I only have one more question I have to ask you “When was the last time you had sex?”
The pilot thinks for a couple of seconds and says “19:55”
“That’s some time ago isn’t it the Doctor asks”
“No” answers the pilot “it’s only 21:30 now”
At the end of the medical the doctor says to him you’re in perfect health I only have one more question I have to ask you “When was the last time you had sex?”
The pilot thinks for a couple of seconds and says “19:55”
“That’s some time ago isn’t it the Doctor asks”
“No” answers the pilot “it’s only 21:30 now”
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
The priest almost fell down when he Saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya
Decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced
Me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just
Like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had
To take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of
Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's
Hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I
Decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said, "After I
Talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without
Your hat than burn in hell, hey ?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I'd left me hat."!!
The priest almost fell down when he Saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya
Decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced
Me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just
Like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had
To take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of
Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's
Hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I
Decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said, "After I
Talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without
Your hat than burn in hell, hey ?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I'd left me hat."!!
glenn forger
Guest
Vet says to Paddy "Did you know your sheep have blue tongue?"
Paddy says "No! I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
Paddy says "No! I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
stuee147
Senior Member
- Location
- north ayrshire
why has buggs bunny got pointed ears ???????
because he is a rabbit lol
because he is a rabbit lol
AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
