Any good jokes ... ?

[betty swollocks]

A man loses both of his ears in an accident, and the surgeon tells him that there are no human transplant ears available, but they have a dog’s ear and a pig’s ear ready to transplant.......so he agrees to the operation. One month later he goes back for a check up, and the doc asks him how he is getting on?
"Well doctor, the dog ear is brilliant. I can hear for miles and nobody ever talks behind my back, but with the pig ear, I seem to be getting a lot of crackling.”

 

[Toshiba Boy]

 

[Dave7]

During lock down my wife told me that to avoid getting bored I should make a bird table.
Now she's complaining that she only came 5th.

 

[Cavalol]

A world without kayaks - canoe imagine.

 

[Cavalol]

I noticed a load of random items on my bank statement (size 80 shoes, a bicycle horn, a huge plastic flower).
I called my bank and apparently my card's been clowned.

 

[betty swollocks]

My grandfather was killed by a Zulu.
He was in the toilet at Marwell and the cistern fell on his head...

 

[Dave7]

My grandfather was killed by a Zulu.
He was in the toilet at Marwell and the cistern fell on his head...

????
Humour me and explain

 

[Oldhippy]

Marwell is a zoo. Zoo-loo.

Mod Edit

 

[Cavalol]

My sister is being obsessively stalked by an engineer who builds bridges.

Why cantilever alone?

 

[Dayvo]

 

[Dirk]

 

[Cavalol]

Is that Black Sabbath song about me?

 

[raleighnut]

Is that Black Sabbath song about me?

I dunno do you wear boots

 

[Eziemnaik]

Stalin's favourite joke (apparently true story, after Hastings' Armageddon)

Georgian delegation: They come, they talk to Stalin, and then they go, heading off down the Kremlin's corridors. Stalin starts looking for his pipe. He can't find it. He calls in Beria, the dreaded head of his secret police. "Go after the delegation, and find out which one took my pipe," he says. Beria scuttles off down the corridor. Five minutes later Stalin finds his pipe under a pile of papers. He calls Beria–"Look, I've found my pipe." "It's too late," Beria says, "half the delegation admitted they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."

 

[Chris S]

Stalin invites his elderly mother to Moscow to show her how well he's done. He takes her for a ride in his ZIL limousine to his country dacha and then back to his office in the Kremlin with its gold leaf frescoes. "Are you impressed?" he asks. "Yes," she replies, "but what will you do if the communists come again?"