Any good jokes ... ?

[Joey Shabadoo]

Stalin delivers a speech to a large audience in the Kremlin. Suddenly someone sneezes.
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Everyone is shaking, and no one dares to confess.
Stalin: First row, rise and leave. You’ll be shot.
(Applause)
Stalin: So, who sneezed?
Silence.
Stalin: Second row, rise and leave. You’ll be shot.
(Ovation, shouts: ‘Hail great Stalin!’)
Stalin: So who sneezed?
A man rises in the back row, shaking: It was me, sorry…
Stalin: No big deal. Bless you, comrade!

 

[Cavalol]

Yesterday, I saw two black birds stuck together; they were velcrows.

 

[Cavalol]

A little known Irish actor has been chosen to play Macaulay Culkin in a new biopic .

O. Malone.

 

[betty swollocks]

" Doctor, that haemorrhoid cream you gave me got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?"
"On the bus."

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?

He hated capitalism.

 

[The Bystander]

Why did Stalin drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

I know it wasn't Stalin - just wanted an excuse to jump on the Stalin train.
Some people incorrectly attribute it to Marx (Karl, not Groucho) but the phrase was coined by Pierre-Joseph Proudhon (thanks Wiki)

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

The ghost of Stalin appears before Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill all your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin ponders this for a while, then replies, “Why blue?”

 

[tyred]

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Stalin, knowing that his time was short and that Khrushchev would be his eventual successor, summoned Nikita to a very private meeting. After telling Khrushchev how lonely it could get at the top, Stalin said: "I've left for you two letters containing my wisest counsel in the bottom drawer of the desk. Do not open the first one until things are totally terrible. The second letter should only be opened when you are sure there are no answers to your problems, when you are despairing."



Khrushchev took over and enjoyed a Russian honeymoon. Then trouble followed: a failed harvest, the five-year plan was two years late and many rubles short, plotting by his political enemies...

At 3 a.m. one morning, Khrushchev broke down and opened the bottom desk drawer and read the first letter. In it was written one line:

"Blame everything on me . . . Stalin."



So that's what Khrushchev did and all the troubles of the present were pinned on the policies of his predecessor. It worked, and the pressure was off, for awhile.

The second honeymoon was brief. Hostilities along the Chinese border, another lousy crop and the humiliating Cuban missile crisis did very little for Khrushchev's ratings and even less for his own peace of mind. He was down when he remembered the bottom desk drawer. Making certain he was alone, Khrushchev quietly opened the envelope and read the one-line message:

"Write two letters . . .

 

[Oldhippy]

Marwell is a zoo. Zoo-loo.

Mod Edit

Thanks for the edit. Bloody spell check!

 

[Dayvo]

Thanks for the edit. Bloody spell check!

Poofreading!?

 

[roadrash]

On this day In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fecking elephant.

 

[The Crofted Crest]

A synonym strolled into a tavern...

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip. As they walk into their room, 3 of them whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.

He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room.

"Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now"

Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims:

"Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!"

The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible.

"Really? Then how do you explain this?"

He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds.

"I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please."

And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar.

The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep.

Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing.

Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning.

"I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime."

"B-but how come they didn't take me?!"

"Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke"

 

[Domus]

Whilst we are remembering the Soviet bloc, Jasper Carrot had a gag.

"They are having Polish week in our local supermarket, I queued up all day and got half a cabbage"