Any good jokes ... ?

[mistyoptic]

 

[betty swollocks]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee asked, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of petrol."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his fuel tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out again.
"Try it now," said one of the bees.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!' the man exclaimed, "what did you put in there?"
The bee answered,
Wait for it......wait for it............
You're just gonna love this........
"BP."

 

[Sharky]

This new shop I've opened is doing really well. We sell used mountaineering equipment. It's money for old rope.

Do you know where that saying comes from?



In the days of public hangings and the likes of notorious criminal like Dick Turpin. The hangman used to sell sections of the rope he used for souvenirs. And managed to sell more rope than was ever used at the hanging. Hence money for old rope.

 

[Profpointy]

View attachment 573419

You may jest: this was a pukka speed record attempt. 150mph I believe

 

[raleighnut]

You may jest: this was a pukka speed record attempt. 150mph I believe
View attachment 573498

A better man than I am

https://ultimatemotorcycling.com/2011/01/22/vincent-motorcycles-gunga-din/

 

[PaulB]

Do you know where that saying comes from?



In the days of public hangings and the likes of notorious criminal like Dick Turpin. The hangman used to sell sections of the rope he used for souvenirs. And managed to sell more rope than was ever used at the hanging. Hence money for old rope.

Thanks there, Cliff Claven.

 

[Cavalol]

How do you get down from an elephant?
You can't.
You get down from a goose.

 

[Cavalol]

Said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis"
He said, "Oh right, the one with Adolf in?"
I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis"

 

[Cavalol]

If the earth was flat and fish swam over the edge, where would they go?
Trouter space.

 

[Richard A Thackeray]

Do you know where that saying comes from?



In the days of public hangings and the likes of notorious criminal like Dick Turpin. The hangman used to sell sections of the rope he used for souvenirs. And managed to sell more rope than was ever used at the hanging. Hence money for old rope.

Yep!
It's even referred to in 'Going Postal' (the Terry Pratchett novel/film adaptation), as the hangman; Mr Trooper, gets Moist to sign the rope (more money to be made)

 

[rikki]

View attachment 573450

Don't be a cheapskate. Get her some of each.
You know she's worth it!

 

[Cavalol]

 

[Archie_tect]

You may jest: this was a pukka speed record attempt. 150mph I believe
View attachment 573498

The 1927 world speed diving Championships, sponsored by Flip-Flop- there was carnage at the end of the pier.

 

[Dayvo]

After reading my latest book, I’ve been inspired to take up knitting: it’s so nice and peaceful!

 

[Cavalol]

Last night I saw a sign in the pub that said ‘In Case of Fire – Break Glass’. My beer went everywhere and the pub still burnt down.