Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
This is to keep you up to date with my Rottweiler/dangly bits experience plus requesting more advice.
I am still in hospital and have had all remaining bits removed.
The nurses are all very jovial but for some reason won't let me in on the joke.
The surgeon has offered to transplant new bits on and I want it done ASAP. Problem being they can only offer me 2 options.........
Those from a Gerbil or others from a young elephant.
It's a big decision and your wisdom should help me decide.
Anxiously yours in waiting.

Dear Davina,

All this surgery sounds jolly painful. Have you considered simply joining the Labour Party? Their leader, Keith Strummer, reckons one in a thousand women can have a winky. You could ask to be one of the other 999.

Alteratively, an inflatable lilo in your pants and a gas cannister cunningly concealed in your pocket is a good ruse. Whenever you see Big Taff McJock, the post lady from Dublin, you can release the gas, inflate the appendage, and impress her with your virility.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I can't get no satisfaction.

The guy on the car radio just gives me useless information. The guy on the telly tells me how white my shirts could be if I use Persil but mine are all nicotine stained.

My girlfriend tells me better luck next time and to come back next week.

I just can't get no satisfaction. Yet I try, and I try and I try.

What would you recommend to give me some satisfaction?

Yours faithfully,
Mick J.

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I can't get no satisfaction.

The guy on the car radio just gives me useless information. The guy on the telly tells me how white my shirts could be if I use Persil but mine are all nicotine stained.

My girlfriend tells me better luck next time and to come back next week.

I just can't get no satisfaction. Yet I try, and I try and I try.

What would you recommend to give me some satisfaction?

Yours faithfully,
Mick J.

Dear Rubberlips,

Everything is wrong since your baby parted. You have to go to work but you can't get your car started.

What a gas, eh?

If you want satisfaction then the best thing you could do is sit down with a cuppa and listen to some Beatles records.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

My baby left me and she never said a word. I stand at my window, wring my hands and cry.

Do you think it was something that I done? Something that she heard?

Yours faithfully,
E. Presley
Memphis Tennessee

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

My baby left me and she never said a word. I stand at my window, wring my hands and cry.

Do you think it was something that I done? Something that she heard?

Yours faithfully,
E. Presley
Memphis Tennessee

Dear Enid,

I'd suggest you go eat several gallons of ice cream to sooth your sound, but be very careful not to push hard when taking a dump after.

 

[ExBrit]

Dear Uncle D,
many years ago I stabbed two people to death and lied and got away with it.
This morning I woke up surrounded by flames and everything stinks of Sulphur. Plus there's a big red guy looking at me funny.
Is it too late for a plea bargain?

Thanks

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle D,
many years ago I stabbed two people to death and lied and got away with it.
This morning I woke up surrounded by flames and everything stinks of Sulphur. Plus there's a big red guy looking at me funny.
Is it too late for a plea bargain?

Thanks

Dear Anon,

Yes, you got away with it in your earthly form, but now you're dead you'll have to pay for your crimes.

Perhaps it's not too late to join the Conservative party - I hear they enjoy having a red hot poker thrust up their bottom.

 

[Dec66]

Dear Drago,

I can't get no satisfaction.

The guy on the car radio just gives me useless information. The guy on the telly tells me how white my shirts could be if I use Persil but mine are all nicotine stained.

My girlfriend tells me better luck next time and to come back next week.

I just can't get no satisfaction. Yet I try, and I try and I try.

What would you recommend to give me some satisfaction?

Yours faithfully,
Mick J.

I already did this one

 

[Drago]

I already did this one

Dear Oct,

But you never followed my advice, and now you're getting married to Ant McPartlin, if he ever sobers up.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

As I had some spare time on my hands, I decided I needed a new hobby. I thought about it and decided I would like to take up fire breathing.

So I began to practise. I managed to set fire to the living room curtains. After that, I decided that it might be better if I practised outside.

I'm now getting quite good at it. The problem is that I have scorched all the lawn, withered the cherry tree, set fire to the fence and melted the front bumper and destroyed the paintwork on my neighbour's Daihatsu Charade.

I also put my back out when I tried to hula-hoop while breathing fire. Trying to dance has knackered my knees.

This has all led to other problems as I got a letter from my insurance broker today stating they have stopped my household policy with immediate effect as I've made too many fire-related claims in the past few weeks. I think this is a little unfair.

Do you think it is right for me to continue to pursue my passion for fire breathing or should I try to find another hobby?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

As I had some spare time on my hands, I decided I needed a new hobby. I thought about it and decided I would like to take up fire breathing.

So I began to practise. I managed to set fire to the living room curtains. After that, I decided that it might be better if I practised outside.

I'm now getting quite good at it. The problem is that I have scorched all the lawn, withered the cherry tree, set fire to the fence and melted the front bumper and destroyed the paintwork on my neighbour's Daihatsu Charade.

I also put my back out when I tried to hula-hoop while breathing fire. Trying to dance has knackered my knees.

This has all led to other problems as I got a letter from my insurance broker today stating they have stopped my household policy with immediate effect as I've made too many fire-related claims in the past few weeks. I think this is a little unfair.

Do you think it is right for me to continue to pursue my passion for fire breathing or should I try to find another hobby?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Arsonist,

I think your fire breathing days are over.

Might I suggest a safer hobby? Eating razor blades, becoming a rabbi in Leicester, or a red wall tory MP are far safer pastimes.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I decided to take your advice and give up fire breathing. Of course this left me needing to find another hobby.

I decided to try something safe and less demanding. I decided to take up darts, just my all-time sporting hero and favourite athlete, Jocky Wilson.

The first problem started when I was hanging up the board as I hit my thumb with the hammer and now my nail is all black.

The second problem I found was that I couldn't see the board as I had mislaid my glasses.

I also find it very difficult to actually hit the board. My kitchen door now looks like I've got woodworm. I also twisted my ankle when I fell from the step ladder when I was retrieving my stray dart from the ceiling.

I decided to play down the local pub but I've now being barred. Knocking a bottle of rum from the shelf behind the bar with a stray dart really upset the barmaid but I think another dart landing in the local councillor's gin and tonic was the final straw.

I'm beginning to wonder if darts is really the sport for me. What do you think?

Also, any idea where I've put my glasses? Also, any idea how I can retrieve my lost dart from the councillor's drink with owning up to it being thrown by me?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[roley poley]

Dear uncle Drago am stuck in the camping store trying to find fuel for my stove ...should it be flammable or inflammable ..confused of Leeds

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I really don't want to mither you as you have so many matters to deal with BUT........since that Rottweiler chewed my bits off and I had the transplant from a young elephant word seems to have spread.
I now have women knocking on my door at all hours....they all pledge true love and lust.
I am beginning to regret my decision.
The Doc tells me the Gerbils parts are still available .....
Do you have advice for this poor tortchered soul.

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I decided to take your advice and give up fire breathing. Of course this left me needing to find another hobby.

I decided to try something safe and less demanding. I decided to take up darts, just my all-time sporting hero and favourite athlete, Jocky Wilson.

The first problem started when I was hanging up the board as I hit my thumb with the hammer and now my nail is all black.

The second problem I found was that I couldn't see the board as I had mislaid my glasses.

I also find it very difficult to actually hit the board. My kitchen door now looks like I've got woodworm. I also twisted my ankle when I fell from the step ladder when I was retrieving my stray dart from the ceiling.

I decided to play down the local pub but I've now being barred. Knocking a bottle of rum from the shelf behind the bar with a stray dart really upset the barmaid but I think another dart landing in the local councillor's gin and tonic was the final straw.

I'm beginning to wonder if darts is really the sport for me. What do you think?

Also, any idea where I've put my glasses? Also, any idea how I can retrieve my lost dart from the councillor's drink with owning up to it being thrown by me?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Aunty,

With an aim like that you should seriously consider running for the leadership of a major political party. Doesn't matter which, being able to shoot yourself in the foot is the only qualification.

Dear uncle Drago am stuck in the camping store trying to find fuel for my stove ...should it be flammable or inflammable ..confused of Leeds

Dear Riley,

Er, I'm not sure. Best to pour petrol on it to be sure.

Dear Uncle Drago.
I really don't want to mither you as you have so many matters to deal with BUT........since that Rottweiler chewed my bits off and I had the transplant from a young elephant word seems to have spread.
I now have women knocking on my door at all hours....they all pledge true love and lust.
I am beginning to regret my decision.
The Doc tells me the Gerbils parts are still available .....
Do you have advice for this poor tortchered soul.

Dear Dong,

My advice is to stick with the enormous member. Paint it grey, turn your trouser pockets inside out and you can earn a fortune e at children's parties as an elephant impersonator.