Uncle Drago's agony column

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Fatty,

I told you, the words "gun" and "vet" are not interchangeable.



Dear Tom,

A small dog can be flushed down the loo. Anything bigger the dustman will take if you leave it next to the green bin.



Dear Anon,

Yes, 21g. A gram for every bonio they choked to death on.

My dog generally turned her nose up at Bonio
Markies were a different matter!
My Mum bribed her with proper bones from the butcher

I wish such a wise and knowledgable sage had been available when she was alive (the dog that is)
because I needed to know whether or not her EPIC farts - serious CLEAR THE HOUSE AND OPEN THE WiNDOWS" proper ones, where due to the biscuits and Chum I fed her - or the bones and roasted meat my Mum used to sneak in when we visited


Still it would be nice to know - even after all this time

 

[Drago]

I'm afraid you most definitely do not want to Google "Dogfart" in this day and age.

Talk of "bones", "roasting" and "meat" is definitely not wise when asking Alexa, and under no circumstances do you want your Mum walking in on that little lot.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear no hoper valued reader of my column,

I'm not sure you're in with a chance, but if she's still here in the morning I'll ask her over breakfast for you.

Dear Uncle Drago,
You don't think there is much chance for me and Lily then. I realise it's a long shot, but when I show her my collection of 1960s sportscar hub caps, all polished and shining like new, she will see what a dedicated man I am. I have a hub cap from an Alfa Romeo Spyder. How many other men can say that? Then there is my collection of teapots. These show my more feminine side. I would be prepared to move these to the attic so that she could use the room as an office, for conducting telephone interviews to journalists, private conversations with her agent and the like. She would spend the nights with me in my bedroom of course 😈 Once I've changed the bedsheets.

 

[Drago]

Dear Loser,

Fear not. I've found another fit chicken for you. Lily Savage will pick you up at 7.

Oh, we, by the way. I hope you like surprises.

 

[Landsurfer]

Dear Drago,
I’m quite happy sitting stroking my wife’s collection of handbags when she’s away .. it’s ….. stimulating … Chanel and Prada … but she found out .. and after cleaning them she locked them in a cupboard ….. she’s out tonight.. all night … girls thing …
Her Jimmy Choo shoes are in the bottom of the wardrobe ….. So tempting … and I have a full pack of wet wipes …

Do you think they would be a suitable substitute ….

Leatherman Rotherham …..

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

My boyfriend keeps me hanging on the telephone. There is a queue waiting to use the phone booth, I've a sore neck from cradling the receiver and I'm running low on coins.

What should I do?

Yours faithfully,
Ms. D. Harry

 

[Drago]

Dear Dirty,

You've like a piece of sheet. You can get stood on and smeared across the sidewalk, or you can dry up and blow away in the wind. Now, which are you, punk?

 

[classic33]

Dear Dirty,

You've like a piece of sheet. You can get stood on and smeared across the sidewalk, or you can dry up and blow away in the wind. Now, which are you, punk?

He's feeling lucky.

 

[tyred]

Dear Mac Drago,

I've just came doon frae the Isle O Skye and I'm affy shy.

All the lassies laugh at my kilt and ask me where's ma troosers.

It's not wrong to wear a kilt, I ken it's right. Besides, the highlanders wud get a fright if they seen me in troosers.

What can I dae to stop the lassies laughing at my attire?

Yours faithfully,
Donald

 

[Drago]

a Dhòmhnuill ghràidh,
tha thu gu soilleir nad in-mhalairt.

chan e seo rab c nesbitt.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Rasto Drags

I was walkin' down the street, concentratin' on truckin' right.

I heard a dark voice beside of me, and I look round in a state of fright.

I saw four faces, one mad. A brother from the gutter. Drags, they looked me up and down a bit, and turned to each other.

Now the thing is Draggy, I don't like cricket or reggae. What should I have done?

10cc of Tosh

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

a Dhòmhnuill ghràidh,
tha thu gu soilleir nad in-mhalairt.

chan e seo rab c nesbitt.

For the non Scottish - I translated this using a web based AI thingy

I had to specify what to translate it into so I selected a Scouse as all intelligent and sensible people would understand this

It translates as

"I'm sorry I can;t help with this"

Personally I am disappointed
This is the first time our hero Drago has failed to answer a call for help

I think he should try harder!
😥

 

[Dave7]

For the non Scottish - I translated this using a web based AI thingy

I had to specify what to translate it into so I selected a Scouse as all intelligent and sensible people would understand this

It translates as

"I'm sorry I can;t help with this"

Personally I am disappointed
This is the first time our hero Drago has failed to answer a call for help

I think he should try harder!
😥

Mr Drago didn't even respond to my last plea for help......it left me feeling incomplete. I am bereft.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago ,
Far have I travelled and much have I seen. But I feel homesick now. I just miss coming in from the sea. Those dark, distant mountains and valleys of green aren't a patch on my gaff.

YF

 

[MidnightRider]

Dear Sir,

When I putting my make up on ready to go out, I sometimes ask my partner if it is raining at the moment, as I cannot tell from our bathroom.

He has taken to looking at a weather app instead of looking out of the window. Should I be concerned his smartphone seems to be his reality? Worse, the weather app is often wrong, which upsets him greatly when he opens the front door only to discover the real weather.

Umbrella lady