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Drago
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Well, whoever they are they seem well qualified to enter politics in the UK.
Uncle Drago's agony column
- Thread starter Drago
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Well, whoever they are they seem well qualified to enter politics in the UK.
Dear Uncle, Drago.
Since my unfortunate poo incident on the bus I have been in prison but expect to be released in the next few days.
However, they have moved me into a cell which I now share with a very large chap named Bubba.
The thing is, he keeps giving me very strange looks and insists on calling me bitch. He also seems to have a dental fetish and keeps suggesting that he should remove my front teeth but doesn't tell me why.
So...... can you suggest what his problem could be as, being a gentleman I would like to help him.
Any other advice would be appreciated.
Since my unfortunate poo incident on the bus I have been in prison but expect to be released in the next few days.
However, they have moved me into a cell which I now share with a very large chap named Bubba.
The thing is, he keeps giving me very strange looks and insists on calling me bitch. He also seems to have a dental fetish and keeps suggesting that he should remove my front teeth but doesn't tell me why.
So...... can you suggest what his problem could be as, being a gentleman I would like to help him.
Any other advice would be appreciated.
ebikeerwidnes
Guru
- Location
- Z’ha’dum
Tracy Barlow (or whatever name she has this week ) for PM!!!
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Dead Man Walking,
My advice is do not accept a drink from Bubba, do not accept any gifts he may offer you, particularly wedding dresses, and keep a very tight grip on that soap!
Right.....I have followed your advice but also had one of my brilliant ideas.
I don't know why you said to keep tight hold of the soap but you are so wise so I went along with it.
Then, I had my light bulb moment!!
Soap is slippery right?
So I decided to hide it up my erhh uhmm ahh where the sun don't shine.
I mean, he will never find it there will he?
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear presumably now longer a virgin,
The good news is that when you fart in the rain you'll be able to blow bubbles from your arse.
The good news is that when you fart in the rain you'll be able to blow bubbles from your arse.
ebikeerwidnes
Guru
- Location
- Z’ha’dum
Think of the money you could make at Kids parties!!!
Well - maybe not Kids parties - but some parties anyway
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
I expect Bubba will use him as a hand soap dispenser.
Dear Drago,
Preparations for my new venture into politics continue.
I have gained sponsorship from the local coal merchant to help promote fossil fuels. Was it wrong of me to persuade him I'd campaign for steam trains to make a comeback?
I got a new suit made with additional hidden pockets for hiding the brown envelopes full of bribery money.
I have also placed an order for some election posters with the local print works and I will put them up on lampposts, etc., in due course. Where do you think the best place to put election posters would be?
I also felt the need to educate myself on how the international monetary world works so I had an appointment with the Copenhagen Chamber of Commerce this morning.
Unfortunately, I accidentally dropped my Henri Winterman tip into a waste paper basket and inadvertently burned down their rather old building. Time they built a new one anyway, don't you think?
The Danish police have arrested me for arson. Can you recommend a good solicitor as I am completely innocent? I am also concerned that if the papers got hold of this story, it would hamper my election chances.
Any ideas how I can keep the press out of it?
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
Preparations for my new venture into politics continue.
I have gained sponsorship from the local coal merchant to help promote fossil fuels. Was it wrong of me to persuade him I'd campaign for steam trains to make a comeback?
I got a new suit made with additional hidden pockets for hiding the brown envelopes full of bribery money.
I have also placed an order for some election posters with the local print works and I will put them up on lampposts, etc., in due course. Where do you think the best place to put election posters would be?
I also felt the need to educate myself on how the international monetary world works so I had an appointment with the Copenhagen Chamber of Commerce this morning.
Unfortunately, I accidentally dropped my Henri Winterman tip into a waste paper basket and inadvertently burned down their rather old building. Time they built a new one anyway, don't you think?
The Danish police have arrested me for arson. Can you recommend a good solicitor as I am completely innocent? I am also concerned that if the papers got hold of this story, it would hamper my election chances.
Any ideas how I can keep the press out of it?
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
If I may interject.....I think you will go a long way in politics.
As far as where to put your posters, why don't you ask the opposition......I'm sure they will give you some good suggestions as to the best place to stick them up.
But I am no expert, I'm sure uncle Drago will offer better advice.
ebikeerwidnes
Guru
- Location
- Z’ha’dum
I am not sure Drago is the best person to ask
As one of the country's most honest and dedicated politicians *** he might see an opportunity to sabotage potential opposition
*** - compared to all know competition - who said "Low bar"???
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear righteous fossil fuel advocate,
you have prepared well. Hidden pockets for bribe money and lumps of coal, posters detailing the jobs of buying fossilised trees, and an appointment to show off your new high capacity Zippo flamethrower.
Rudy Giuliani is a superb solicitor and not remotely a pervert, and is free at the moment. You can keep the media out of it by claiming you had an affair with Donald Trump.
Dear Mavis,
Might I remind you thar I, Drago Rayner, are the agony Uncle. You can just pitch up here and start dishing out advice - it takes a weekend of training g to be qualified to do this job.
I am indeed the most honest, albeit the lowest ranking, politician jn the country. Plain brown envelopes stuffed full of cash are guaranteed to maintain my allegiance.
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Dear Uncle Dragoon
I know the sweetest girl. Trouble is, she lives a long way away. To be honest, it's a long, long way to go.
Now, it will mean me saying goodbye to Picadilly, and farewell Leicester Square.
But thing is Drags, my heart's right there.
What should I do?
Tipperary Mick
I know the sweetest girl. Trouble is, she lives a long way away. To be honest, it's a long, long way to go.
Now, it will mean me saying goodbye to Picadilly, and farewell Leicester Square.
But thing is Drags, my heart's right there.
What should I do?
Tipperary Mick
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Scottish Nick,
Another ticklish problem. Might be best to find one to come to you. Our very own in house style guru, the ever dapper @Accy cyclist orders his brides from a catalogue. You may find the Thai ones particularly yo your liking, although goods sourced from that country should be thoroughly inspected to ensure they meet the description given. That said, not a problem for you in Scotland where it is normal for women to pack a surprise or three.
Dear Drago,
Thank you for your advice so far.
Mr Giuliani's help and a few tenners pushed into the right pockets managed to sort things out with the Danish authorities, so I am now off the hook with arson charge.
I have run into another issue with my election campaign though. The printing works made an unfortunate error. They mixed my photograph up with a photograph of Stanley Laurel. Obviously having pictures of a dead comedy actor smiling down from lampposts with my name under it is not the sort of image I wish to project to potential voters.
There is also the issue of the press having got hold of the picture of me in a rather compromising situation with an exotic dancer. We may have been naked in the back seat of my Ford Granada Ghia but it wasn't what it seemed. This may cause problems with both the voters and my wife.
How can I recover my reputation and avoid marital strife?
Yours sincerely,
Aubrey
Thank you for your advice so far.
Mr Giuliani's help and a few tenners pushed into the right pockets managed to sort things out with the Danish authorities, so I am now off the hook with arson charge.
I have run into another issue with my election campaign though. The printing works made an unfortunate error. They mixed my photograph up with a photograph of Stanley Laurel. Obviously having pictures of a dead comedy actor smiling down from lampposts with my name under it is not the sort of image I wish to project to potential voters.
There is also the issue of the press having got hold of the picture of me in a rather compromising situation with an exotic dancer. We may have been naked in the back seat of my Ford Granada Ghia but it wasn't what it seemed. This may cause problems with both the voters and my wife.
How can I recover my reputation and avoid marital strife?
Yours sincerely,
Aubrey
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