Uncle Drago's agony column

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
As you said you were not sure I was in with a chance with Lily James, I took that to mean you were not sure I stood no chance. Therefore, following your advice, I wrote her a letter, declaring my love and respect, and inviting her to my home for tea and crumpet, if you get my drift. I have to say I found her reply discouraging. In fact she did not reply herself, but I received a letter from Colgate, Anderson and Nixon Solicitors to the effect that if I continued to send their client harassing letters that they would place a restraining order on me. I can only surmise that her PA intercepted her letter and reacted over-zealously. I suppose there are all sorts of nutters writing to her. Well they say faint heart never won fair maid, so I have written another letter to her in my best handwriting on Basildon Bond letter paper I have even sprayed a little Brut aftershave on the envelope, although I am not sure she will still be able to smell it by the time it arrives. It does have a first class stamp so maybe she will.

YF

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Uncle Drago,
As you said you were not sure I was in with a chance with Lily James, I took that to mean you were not sure I stood no chance. Therefore, following your advice, I wrote her a letter, declaring my love and respect, and inviting her to my home for tea and crumpet, if you get my drift. I have to say I found her reply discouraging. In fact she did not reply herself, but I received a letter from Colgate, Anderson and Nixon Solicitors to the effect that if I continued to send their client harassing letters that they would place a restraining order on me. I can only surmise that her PA intercepted her letter and reacted over-zealously. I suppose there are all sorts of nutters writing to her. Well they say faint heart never won fair maid, so I have written another letter to her in my best handwriting on Basildon Bond letter paper I have even sprayed a little Brut aftershave on the envelope, although I am not sure she will still be able to smell it by the time it arrives. It does have a first class stamp so maybe she will.

YF

A First Class Stamp?????

WOW - having spent that sort of dosh I think you deserve some attention
Impressive dedication

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I approached a girl in a nightclub and said "you and me babe, how about it?"

She slapped me in the face and told me to *"$# Off!

What could I do to improve my chat up technique?

Yours faithfully,
Mark K

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
As you said you were not sure I was in with a chance with Lily James, I took that to mean you were not sure I stood no chance. Therefore, following your advice, I wrote her a letter, declaring my love and respect, and inviting her to my home for tea and crumpet, if you get my drift. I have to say I found her reply discouraging. In fact she did not reply herself, but I received a letter from Colgate, Anderson and Nixon Solicitors to the effect that if I continued to send their client harassing letters that they would place a restraining order on me. I can only surmise that her PA intercepted her letter and reacted over-zealously. I suppose there are all sorts of nutters writing to her. Well they say faint heart never won fair maid, so I have written another letter to her in my best handwriting on Basildon Bond letter paper I have even sprayed a little Brut aftershave on the envelope, although I am not sure she will still be able to smell it by the time it arrives. It does have a first class stamp so maybe she will.

YF

Dear stalker,

I have looked into this on your behalf, and it appears you have mis-addressed the letters.

"Lily" is a 24 stone shaven headed prisoner in the chokey for having sex with a horse, and he can't wait to meet you.

Dear Drago,

I approached a girl in a nightclub and said "you and me babe, how about it?"

She slapped me in the face and told me to *"$# Off!

What could I do to improve my chat up technique?

Yours faithfully,
Mark K

Dear Romeo,

Problem is, the dice was loaded from the start. How you going to realise it was just that the time was wrong?

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago......I need some quick advice please.
I have been thinking of ways to impress a widow up the road. Anyway this morning I thought of this brilliant idea, I mean, it couldn't fail.
So I rang her bell then shoved my dangly bits through her letterbox.....great idea.
Now until that moment I had no idea that she owned a Rottweiler.
So 2 questions.
1. How do I explain my situation to the hospital nurses ?
2. Do you think this will put my neighbour off or maybe turn her on ?

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago......I need some quick advice please.
I have been thinking of ways to impress a widow up the road. Anyway this morning I thought of this brilliant idea, I mean, it couldn't fail.
So I rang her bell then shoved my dangly bits through her letterbox.....great idea.
Now until that moment I had no idea that she owned a Rottweiler.
So 2 questions.
1. How do I explain my situation to the hospital nurses ?
2. Do you think this will put my neighbour off or maybe turn her on ?

Dear Eunuch,

Tell the nurses you were hoovering naked when you fell down the stairs and landed upon your desk, with your winky coming to rest inside the electric pencil sharpener.

As for your neighbour, unless she prefers rhe company or women you're probably onto a loser. Still, the good news is you can now start a detective agency and cha ge your name to Dickless Tracey.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear stalker,

I have looked into this on your behalf, and it appears you have mis-addressed the letters.

"Lily" is a 24 stone shaven headed prisoner in the chokey for having sex with a horse, and he can't wait to meet you.

Dear Uncle Drago,
Thank you for checking. Yes, I did send my letter to the wrong Lily James on one occasion. I would not mind you having breakfast with that Lily James, ha ha. I was relieved, as I was on the point of giving up, having received no direct reply.
I have a friend, Alan, from the hub cap society. This is the person I got my Alfa Romeo Spider hub cap from. I swapped it for a TR7 hub cap, of which I had two. My friend Alan said I should send Lily James a dick pic. These seem very distasteful to me, but Alan says this is what modern women expect these days. He says modern women are much more open minded about these things and like to see the goods up front, so to speak. I have to say that if this is true I do not like the development. I cannot imagine my mother or my grandmother in their courting days wanting to be presented with such images, even if my father or grandfather could have had the photographs developed at the chemists. However, since my friend Alan, assures me that liberated, modern women expect them, especially an actress such as Lily, used to filming love scenes and the like, I will attempt to comply. I do not have her telephone number, but I do have her address, and I have found my old polaroid camera. I will report back if there are any developments.

YF

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Thank you for checking. Yes, I did send my letter to the wrong Lily James on one occasion. I would not mind you having breakfast with that Lily James, ha ha. I was relieved, as I was on the point of giving up, having received no direct reply.
I have a friend, Alan, from the hub cap society. This is the person I got my Alfa Romeo Spider hub cap from. I swapped it for a TR7 hub cap, of which I had two. My friend Alan said I should send Lily James a dick pic. These seem very distasteful to me, but Alan says this is what modern women expect these days. He says modern women are much more open minded about these things and like to see the goods up front, so to speak. I have to say that if this is true I do not like the development. I cannot imagine my mother or my grandmother in their courting days wanting to be presented with such images, even if my father or grandfather could have had the photographs developed at the chemists. However, since my friend Alan, assures me that liberated, modern women expect them, especially an actress such as Lily, used to filming love scenes and the like, I will attempt to comply. I do not have her telephone number, but I do have her address, and I have found my old polaroid camera. I will report back if there are any developments.

YF

Dear Dickless Tracey,

I think that's a brilliant idea. One look at your dick pic and she's going to realise you are an eunuch of taste and breeding.

What woman can resist? After all, one look at my dick pic and it's was love at first sight for Mrs D.

 

[Drago]

Dear Dickless Tracey,

I think that's a brilliant idea. One look at your dick pic and she's going to realise you are an eunuch of taste and breeding.

What woman can resist? After all, one look at my dick pic and it's was love at first sight for Mrs D.

View attachment 727180

In fact, looking at that pic again...I'm not entirely sure what he has in his left hand!

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I've had a bit of a crazy day.

I was in my aunt's house and decided to try one of my Aunt Em's funny hand-rolled cigarettes. The house blew away in a storm and landed on top of some stupid old witch and I ended up wearing her slippers. Some other old hag wanted to take them from me.

I was told to follow this yellow brick road to find a wizard who would help me. So off I went, singing and dancing.

Along the way, I met a scarecrow, a nervous lion and some sort of tin man and they could talk and wanted to come with me.

Then we got kidnapped and taken to see the old hag again but we escaped.

Eventually we met this crazy old guy who was going to take me home in his hot air balloon but my dog jumps out and I run after him.

I then find out I can go home by clicking my heels together three times and then I wake up feeling a bit groggy back in my own bed.

How did this happen? Is it real? Should I steal another of Aunty Em's fags to relax my nerves?

Yours sincerely,
Dorothy,
Kansas

 

[Drago]

Dear Dolores,

I believe you may have accidentally smoked one of aunt Em's special herbal infused methamphetamine cigarillos.

The good news is they're addictive and pleasant.

The bad news is they're bad for your physical health and death by gangrene of the testes is inevitable.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago

Having very carefully followed your advice for some time, I now find myself living in rent free accommodation, very kindly at King Chas's pleasure.

Now, the Warden threw a party, the prison band was there and began to wail.

The band was jumpin' and, to be honest, the joint began to swing. Uncle D, you should've heard those knocked out jailbirds sing.

Question is, Oh wise one, should I rock?

You see, Number 47 said to Number 3, "You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see", but Number 47 keeps on completely ignoring me!

Elvish Still-in-the-Building.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago

Having very carefully followed your advice for some time, I now find myself living in rent free accommodation, very kindly at King Chas's pleasure.

Now, the Warden threw a party, the prison band was there and began to wail.

The band was jumpin' and, to be honest, the joint began to swing. Uncle D, you should've heard those knocked out jailbirds sing.

Question is, Oh wise one, should I rock?

You see, Number 47 said to Number 3, "You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see", but Number 47 keeps on completely ignoring me!

Elvish Still-in-the-Building.

May I say.... if number 47 is a big hairy a*sed guy called Bubba you may have had a fortunate escape.
Just my opinion like.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago

Having very carefully followed your advice for some time, I now find myself living in rent free accommodation, very kindly at King Chas's pleasure.

Now, the Warden threw a party, the prison band was there and began to wail.

The band was jumpin' and, to be honest, the joint began to swing. Uncle D, you should've heard those knocked out jailbirds sing.

Question is, Oh wise one, should I rock?

You see, Number 47 said to Number 3, "You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see", but Number 47 keeps on completely ignoring me!

Elvish Still-in-the-Building.

Dear Edgar,

Drop the soap in the shower. Number 47 will take more interest than you ever desired.

May I say.... if number 47 is a big hairy a*sed guy called Bubba you may have had a fortunate escape.
Just my opinion like.

Dear Dave,

I hear what you say, but your opinion is undoubtedly biased since the wardens drugged you, put you in a wedding dress and delivered you ro Bubba's cell with an apple in your mouth.

Going off topic, I am pleased to hear that your farts are now audible once again and you no longer need to wear a nappy.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
This is to keep you up to date with my Rottweiler/dangly bits experience plus requesting more advice.
I am still in hospital and have had all remaining bits removed.
The nurses are all very jovial but for some reason won't let me in on the joke.
The surgeon has offered to transplant new bits on and I want it done ASAP. Problem being they can only offer me 2 options.........
Those from a Gerbil or others from a young elephant.
It's a big decision and your wisdom should help me decide.
Anxiously yours in waiting.