Uncle Drago's agony column

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am a poor and simple lad.
And I have never met the Queen. I don't know why that bothers me so much, but it does.
However, what really bothers me is this lad at school. They say to compare is to despair, and I admit I am envious. He is the captain of the school football team, but not only is he great at sport but he is really clever. He passed his O levels first time, all of them. Naturally he was elected head boy.
Of course all the girls love him. He has to fight them off with a stick. I would let them have their wicked way if it was me, but I suppose he wants to keep himself pure for his marriage.

 

[Drago]

Dear Yellowing Thing,

Sounds as if you've gone back in time 49myewrs and met a yound me.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Drag Pistol

How many ways to get what you want
I use the best, I use the rest
 I use the enemy
I use anarchy

Can you help?

Rotten John

P.S. God save the Queen.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I recently took delivery of a new Nissan Leaf, my first EV.

I remember from physics at school, that you can check the state of charge of a PP3 battery by putting your tongue across the terminals and feeling the charge.

So, I was going to have a long drive today so I decided to put my tongue across the terminals of my Leaf's battery to test it's condition before setting off.

What happened felt like I was ticked in the mouth and I went flying into the air and landed in next door neighbour's coal bunker.

I am now in hospital, my tongue is black, burnt, and half an inch shorter than before, I have double vision, ringing in my ears, a strange heart rhythm problem and my best suit is covered in coal dust. My neighbour also wants me to buy them a new coal bunker.

As I'm new to EV ownership, what did I do wrong? Is this downside to EV ownership.

Why didn't the manual warn me that this could happen.

Yours faithfully,
Ivan

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Drag Strummer

The ice age is coming, the sun's zoomin' in. Engines stop running, the wheat is growin' thin, a nuclear error, but I have no fear.

The Sharif don't like it.

So, should I stay or should I go?

Joe Clash

 

[Drago]

Dear Drag Pistol

How many ways to get what you want
I use the best, I use the rest
 I use the enemy
I use anarchy

Can you help?

Rotten John

P.S. God save the Queen.

Dear Tom,

Please hand yourself in to the local euthanasia clinic in order for your treason sentence to be carried out.

Dear Drago,

I recently took delivery of a new Nissan Leaf, my first EV.

I remember from physics at school, that you can check the state of charge of a PP3 battery by putting your tongue across the terminals and feeling the charge.

So, I was going to have a long drive today so I decided to put my tongue across the terminals of my Leaf's battery to test it's condition before setting off.

What happened felt like I was ticked in the mouth and I went flying into the air and landed in next door neighbour's coal bunker.

I am now in hospital, my tongue is black, burnt, and half an inch shorter than before, I have double vision, ringing in my ears, a strange heart rhythm problem and my best suit is covered in coal dust. My neighbour also wants me to buy them a new coal bunker.

As I'm new to EV ownership, what did I do wrong? Is this downside to EV ownership.

Why didn't the manual warn me that this could happen.

Yours faithfully,
Ivan

Dear Evan,

I suspect your tongue was inserted across the wrong 'terminal'. The local dogging lay by was perhaps not the best place to try that.

Dear Drag Strummer

The ice age is coming, the sun's zoomin' in. Engines stop running, the wheat is growin' thin, a nuclear error, but I have no fear.

The Sharif don't like it.

So, should I stay or should I go?

Joe Clash

Dear Brian,

I think you should go before the place becomes Waterworld and Kevin Costner is put in charge.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am having an existential crisis. I have been watching these videos on YouTube about the beginnings and endings of the universe. One eminent emeritus professor says the heat death of the universe is the big bang of the next. Another says there is a universe, the initial expansion being our universe joining a large one, and Einstein's expansion factor being a function of other universes joining ours. What am I to do with this information? Previously I was only interested at looking at women's regenerative organs, but now I wonder whether it's all worth it.

 

[stephec]

Dear uncle D

Why aren't you allowed to shoot people who don't use their indicators at roundabouts?

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

Inspired by Cycle Chat's snappy dresser, I recently purchased a silk dressing gown in a moment of frivolity and madness.

Now that I have got the dressing gown, I am having second thoughts. It looks like a cross between my late Grandmother's hall carpet and one of Rod Stewart's reject suits.

I have to keep the curtains closed incase the neighbours see my new dressing gown and I'm paranoid that I am taken ill and have to phone an ambulance. If they find me wearing this gown, the paramedics will just leave me lying as a no-hope case.

Do you think I will grow to love my new gown or what should I do with it?

Yours sincerely,
Eric

 

[Dec66]

Dear Droog,

I recently split from my partner because I felt that she was unsympathetic towards my mental health issues. Lots of people are concerned for my welfare because I constantly wear a sad countenance.

I spend my days pondering what do to do, but I'm finding that nothing ever gives me a lift. I feel that I need to find something to interest me, in order to maintain my sanity. Drugs, perhaps. Or biting the heads off doves.

I'm seeking some sort of guru to show me the path to the enlightenment I seem to find it so difficult to achieve. I really feel like I'm missing something.

I'm now at the point where, if somebody tells an amusing anecdote around the dinner table, all I can do is exhale in a sad manner. Should they be so insensitive as to laugh, I tend to become rather lachrymose. Happiness? Love? Alien concepts to me.

I wish nothing but the best for others, but I sense that ship has sailed for me.

Can you help me? Perhaps you can show me how to occupy my brain?

Oh, yeah, John from Marston Green (Warks.)

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Rudy Drag

A message to you.....

I'm at a complete loss. You see this town is coming like a ghost town. All the clubs have been closed down. Bands won't play no more, too much fighting on the dance floor.

To be honest, it's left a two tone ska on me.

Do you think I've done much too much, much too young.

Yours still Skanking

Coventry Kid.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am having an existential crisis. I have been watching these videos on YouTube about the beginnings and endings of the universe. One eminent emeritus professor says the heat death of the universe is the big bang of the next. Another says there is a universe, the initial expansion being our universe joining a large one, and Einstein's expansion factor being a function of other universes joining ours. What am I to do with this information? Previously I was only interested at looking at women's regenerative organs, but now I wonder whether it's all worth it.

Dear Blue Tooth,

Google "chocolate starfish" and you'll satisfy both your cosmological and pornographic urges in one easy search.

Dear uncle D

Why aren't you allowed to shoot people who don't use their indicators at roundabouts?

Dear Steven,

For the same reason the Dillon Aero M134 hatling gun isn't an optional extra on a Mini - the government are killjoys.

Dear Uncle Drago,

Inspired by Cycle Chat's snappy dresser, I recently purchased a silk dressing gown in a moment of frivolity and madness.

Now that I have got the dressing gown, I am having second thoughts. It looks like a cross between my late Grandmother's hall carpet and one of Rod Stewart's reject suits.

I have to keep the curtains closed incase the neighbours see my new dressing gown and I'm paranoid that I am taken ill and have to phone an ambulance. If they find me wearing this gown, the paramedics will just leave me lying as a no-hope case.

Do you think I will grow to love my new gown or what should I do with it?

Yours sincerely,
Eric

Dear Ernie,

Pretend it's a kimono and walk about pretending to be a geisha.

Dear Droog,

I recently split from my partner because I felt that she was unsympathetic towards my mental health issues. Lots of people are concerned for my welfare because I constantly wear a sad countenance.

I spend my days pondering what do to do, but I'm finding that nothing ever gives me a lift. I feel that I need to find something to interest me, in order to maintain my sanity. Drugs, perhaps. Or biting the heads off doves.

I'm seeking some sort of guru to show me the path to the enlightenment I seem to find it so difficult to achieve. I really feel like I'm missing something.

I'm now at the point where, if somebody tells an amusing anecdote around the dinner table, all I can do is exhale in a sad manner. Should they be so insensitive as to laugh, I tend to become rather lachrymose. Happiness? Love? Alien concepts to me.

I wish nothing but the best for others, but I sense that ship has sailed for me.

Can you help me? Perhaps you can show me how to occupy my brain?

Oh, yeah, John from Marston Green (Warks.)

Dear Tom,

What you need is a girlfriend. Oh, wait...

Dear Rudy Drag

A message to you.....

I'm at a complete loss. You see this town is coming like a ghost town. All the clubs have been closed down. Bands won't play no more, too much fighting on the dance floor.

To be honest, it's left a two tone ska on me.

Do you think I've done much too much, much too young.

Yours still Skanking

Coventry Kid.

Dear Brummie Boy,

Ahhhhh, ahhh ahhhh ahhh ahhhh, ahhh ahhhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh, ahhh ahhhhhhhh....

 

[Dec66]

Dear Dragmaster Drag

My neighbourhood resembles nothing more than a jungle. It's a surprise that I've not yet suffered total mental collapse.

The place is festooned with broken glass, and people freely urinate in the street. The odour, and the noise pollution, is so intense that I really would like to move away, but a lack of money precludes this.

My front room suffers from rodent infestation, and the rear of my property hosts millions of cockroaches. Heroin addicts often congregate around the rear, too, but once when I remonstrated with them to move I was attacked with a baseball bat.

The one time I did physically try to leave, I did not get anywhere as my vehicle was subject to a repossession order.

I keep having to warn people not to aggravate my mental state still further, as it is rather delicately poised.

Have you got my message?

Mel, New York City.

 

[Drago]

Dear Dragmaster Drag

My neighbourhood resembles nothing more than a jungle. It's a surprise that I've not yet suffered total mental collapse.

The place is festooned with broken glass, and people freely urinate in the street. The odour, and the noise pollution, is so intense that I really would like to move away, but a lack of money precludes this.

My front room suffers from rodent infestation, and the rear of my property hosts millions of cockroaches. Heroin addicts often congregate around the rear, too, but once when I remonstrated with them to move I was attacked with a baseball bat.

The one time I did physically try to leave, I did not get anywhere as my vehicle was subject to a repossession order.

I keep having to warn people not to aggravate my mental state still further, as it is rather delicately poised.

Have you got my message?

Mel, New York City.

Dear Merv,

A ticklish situation indeed.

You won't be able to change the neighbourhood, so will need to adapt to your post apocalyptic environment.

I would suggest watching Mad Max II, and dressing yourself up like Tina Turner, raggedy man.

 

[Sterlo]

Dear Auntie Drago,
I hope I'm wrong but I have a deep suspicion that you are a charlatan and are actually just Drago, trying to get a cheap laugh out of peoples serious misfortune. Some of these letters have had me in tears, people have obviously had some real issues and you seem to be making light of their unfortunate misadventures.
I do hope I'm wrong as you have been giving some bloody good advice.

Yours Fred Anonymous